


read receipts have their eyes on u

by bvrnes (orphan_account)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, M/M, Texting, Underage Drinking, bad sex jokes, hardcore shitposting, pegs nd laf are nb!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-06-01 08:50:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 24,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6511369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/bvrnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>saint lauren(s)t:</b> im not saying i’m god but have u ever seen us in the same room together</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. starbucks

**saint lauren(s)t >> ham sandwich, angle, elizzle, marg, hercules muffinman, laffy duck**

**saint lauren(s)t:** im not saying i’m god but have u ever seen us in the same room together

**ham sandwich:** john god is literally an omniscient being he can’t exist in a room

**elizzle:** y'all are fuckin dumb

**hercules muffinman:** says the person who calls themselves ‘elizzle’

**elizzle:** shut up horse fucker

**saint lauren(s)t:** SHUT UP ALL OF YOU

**angle:** john why are you this way

**saint lauren(s)t:** why am I this way??? ME??? DO YOU KNKW ME??

**ham sandwich:** laurens’ perpetual state of mind is stoned as fuck he’s never sober

**angle:** tru

**marg:** what mess did i just walk in on

**elizzle:** PEG

**angle:** AAAAAAA THE SQUAD™ IS PRESENT

**laffy duck:** why is peggy’s name marg

**marg:** my full name is margarita and i’d like to imagine i’m a simpsons character

**saint lauren(s)t:** next time we go clubbing peggy’s covering the tab their name is literally an alcoholic beverage

**marg:** this is cyberbullying i’m only a Tiny college student

**ham sandwich:** shut the fuck up peggy last time we went drinking you chugged half a bottle of vodka and didn’t black out until hours later

**angle:** …………..

**elizzle:** ……………

**hercules muffinman:** …………….

**laffy duck:** ………………..

**saint lauren(s)t:** hamilton

**ham sandwich:** what

**saint lauren(s)t:** shut the fuck up

**angle:** PEGGY WHAT THE FUCK

**marg:** LISTEN I HAVE MANY REGRETS

**elizzle:** WHY WERE YOU WITH ALEX

**marg:** @ham thanks for exposing me like this

**marg:** it was last summer you and angelica were off shopping or some shit and u left me, the hopeless 18 year old, with actual human disasters john laurens and alexander hamilton. what were u expecting honestly

**elizzle:** angelica just fainted

**laffy duck:** this is so entertaining why doesn’t alex drag people more often:

**hercules muffinman:** 'more often’ laf last time he was in charge of the school paper he almost got half the professors fired

**elizzle:** alex what is your source

**ham sandwich:** hunty that’s my secret ;)

**saint lauren(s)t:** Enough

**angle:** i’m blocking all of you

**angle:** laurens and hamilton are never to be in charge of anything ever again. not a child not an animal not anything

**angle:** PEGGY IS BARELY A LEGAL ADULT

**ham sandwich:** they ain’t dead tho

**angle has left the chat**

**elizzle:** she’s right tho that was kinda irresponsible

**marg:** blame me i’m the one who found the vodka lmfao

**saint lauren(s)t:** damn peggy back at it again defending us

**hercules muffinman:** still ur DEFINITELY paying for the tab next time we go clubbing

**marg:** FINE, mom, GOD

**laffy duck:** is no one questioning why peg can hold their liquor so well though

**elizzle:** peggy how much drinking experience do u have

**marg:** ;)

**elizzle has added angle to the chat**

**angle has left the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** well that’s settled

**laffy duck:** i’m going to starbucks do u all wanna meet up or smth

**ham sandwich:** damn lafayette back at it again with the segways

**laffy duck:** STOP IT WITH THE DAMN DANIEL MEMES

**marg:** damn lafayette back at it again with the negativity

**laffy duck has left the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** are we just gonna insult each other until there’s no one in the group chat anymore

**elizzle:** may the roasts be ever in your favor

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t has left the chat**

**marg has left the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** that was pathetic

**elizzle:** IM LAUGHING

**hercules muffinman has added laffy duck, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, marg, and angle to the chat**

**laffy duck:** no one answered my question btw

**angle:** FINE we’ll meet at starbucks

**laffy duck:** :D

**ham sandwich:** give john and i 30 we’re almost done with oitnb

**elizzle:** y'all are only like 6 months late

**saint lauren(s)t:** SHUT UP MY LOVE FOR POUSSEY IS ETERNAL

**ham sandwich:** wow im right next to u u know

**saint lauren(s)t:** i know

**marg:** TRAGIC

**hercules muffinman:** laf get me a venti white mocha with lowfat milk and caramel drizzle

**laffy duck:** got it mon amour

**marg:** laf get me an espresso with 4 sugars

**laffy duck:** tough shit u literally live around the corner come order urself

**angle:** akdjgkdfl

**marg:** this is so cruel i shouldn’t be subjected to this

**elizzle:** 2 be fair u deserve a punishment of some kind

**marg:** let me remind u i am the Purest most Beautiful schuyler sibling out of y'all and i can use that against u

**angle:** damn i guess u rlly are the family baby because ur acting the part really well

**marg has left the chat**

**ham sandwich:** LET THEM LIVE

**hercules muffinman:** angel u r scary

**angle:** i kno :’)

**laffy duck has added marg to the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t:** GET UR ASSES TO STARBUCKS ALREADY

**laffy duck:** shut up laurens u aren’t even here yet

**saint lauren(s)t:** IM SPRINTING

**ham sandwich:** john is currently leisurely draped across my entire couch, sans pants of any kind

**ham sandwich:** he just threw his shoe at me

**ham sandwich:** ok we’re on our way

**elizzle:** see y'all

**laffy duck:** til we meet again

**marg:** shut the fuck up lafayette we’re seeing each other in like 5 minutes

**hercules muffinman:** why are all of you so rude

**angle:** lord give me patience to not slap all of u the moment i walk into that starbucks


	2. enter stage left: eliza's crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **angle:** DO ANY OF U KNOW WHO ‘MARIA REYNOLDS’ IS

**angle >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, laffy duck, hercules muffinman, marg**

**angle:** DO ANY OF U KNOW WHO ‘MARIA REYNOLDS’ IS

 **ham sandwich:** ……………. why?

 **angle:** ELIZA’S BEEN SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH HER

 **angle:** IM A CONCERNED SISTER

 **hercules muffinman:** ok im with john and he just gasped really loud what happened

 **ham sandwich:** uh

 **ham sandwich:** well,,,

 **marg:** SPILL

 **ham sandwich:** maria and i used to be fuckbuddies?????

 **ham sandwich:** pls it’s been like 5 minutes somebody say something

 **saint lauren(s)t:** we’re all quietly kinkshaming you

 **ham sandwich:** shut the fuck up you knew before anyone else

 **angle:** so u never trusted us with this information

 **ham sandwich:** it never came up?? i didn’t really think it was important. it was more of a way to let off steam than anything

 **laffy duck:** couldnt u have taken yoga or something instead

 **ham sandwich:** some nights it felt like a yoga class

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**laffy duck:** LMFAOOO

 **saint lauren(s)t:** now that we’re all thoroughly uncomfortable, what was angel talking about again

 **angle:** eliza wants to introduce us to maria

 **ham sandwich:** i don’t want 2 be there that would be so awkward

 **ham sandwich:** 'hi we used to be fuckbuddies but now you’re dating my best friend how are you’

 **angle:** STOP SAYING THEYRE DATING

 **saint lauren(s)t:** do you not like maria?

 **marg:** overprotective sister syndrome probably

 **saint lauren(s)t:** i understand that and all but let the kid have a love life

**marg has added hercules muffinman to the chat**

**marg:** herc weigh in

 **hercules muffinman:** yeah i sort of agree with john

 **saint lauren(s)t:** 'sort of’ what does that Mean

 **ham sandwich:** maria’s really nice don’t worry. i have no concerns abt her  & eliza. in fact it’ll be kinda cute idk

 **angle:** fine i guess you’re right

 **marg:** have u even talked to eliza about it yet

 **angle:** no how do i even approach

 **angle:** i’ve been lowkey stalking her for the past week that’s how i know

 **laffy duck:** someone please help me lock angelica up

 **hercules muffinman:** oh my god

 **marg:** angel Why

 **ham sandwich:** sjsdhgskdkd fine i’ll talk to eliza

 **angle:** :’)) THANK U ALEX

 **saint lauren(s)t:** this entire situation is a mess

 **angle:** sshhsshhhshshs we never had this conversation eliza doesn’t need to know about it

–

**ham sandwich >> elizzle**

**ham sandwich:** your sister’s been stalking you all week

 **elizzle:** yeah i know she thinks she’s really slick

 **ham sandwich:** so, maria?

 **elizzle:** OH MY GOD ALEX she’s so great I think I’m in love

 **elizzle:** like ive never been in love outside of my dad’s bbq ribs but this is grade-a, full homo Love

 **ham sandwich:** yeah maria’s really cool

 **elizzle:** you know her?

 **ham sandwich:** long story

 **elizzle:** she’s so genuine and every time she smiles my stomach does somersaults and i wanna hold her hand for the rest of my life and GOD sometimes she crinkles her nose when she laughs and i DIE a little inside

 **ham sandwich:** we used to be fuckbuddies

 **ham sandwich:** eliza you ok?

 **elizzle:** you dropped that a little like a bomb lmfao uh

 **eliza:** well i still really like her

 **ham sandwich:** yeah don’t worry that was a couple years back we’re cool now

 **elizzle:** ok good bc i call dibs

 **ham sandwich:** i figured u should know because…,,, well ??

 **elizzle:** i really appreciate it alex. im glad you told me

 **elizzle:** shoot ok she’s picking me up now we’re going to lunch bye

 **elizzle:** tell angelica she couldn’t be discreet if it slapped her in the face with a frying pan

 **ham sandwich:** have fun u crazy hooligans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE COMES THE GENERAL!!! and by general i mean maria and by here i mean u'll have to wait a few chapters to actually meet her but she, as a concept, exists. cool
> 
> but hello again i hope u all are great!! i already have chapters 1-7 written (lmfao) so look forward to daily updates?? i swear there's a loose plot in here somewhere 
> 
> for all self-promoing purposes, my twit is @SUBURBlAA (the i is an L) and my tumblr is @pinkeresque if you wanna find me!!!


	3. petsmart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **laffy duck:** how angry would u guys be if i said i accidentally adopted a dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick warning: this chapter gets a little nsfw towards the end (they're joking about kinks) so if that bothers you it starts mostly after laf starts complaining about dog food!!! that's a great sentence imagine lafayette complaining about dog food

**laffy duck >> hercules muffinman, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, angle, marg, elizzle**

**laffy duck:** how angry would u guys be if i said i accidentally adopted a dog

 **saint lauren(s)t:** i………what

 **angle:** y'all are so unbelievable

 **ham sandwich:** what breed?

 **laffy duck:** bulldog?

 **hercules muffinman:** did you adopt a french bulldog unironically or ironically

 **laffy duck:** i, how u say, had a mid-mid-life crisis and adopted the animal closest to my own kind

 **marg:** so u adopted a dog that has ‘french’ in the breed’s name

 **laffy duck:** yes

 **elizzle:** why is that the most lafayette thing u’ve ever done im lauhdj

 **saint lauren(s)t:** laf invite us over i want to meet your unironically french dog

 **laffy duck:** his name’s pepe

 **ham sandwich:** ARE U FUCKINDHSKDJS

 **ham sandwich:** STOP BEING A MEME FUCKER THAT IS AN ACTUAL REAL ORGANISM

 **elizzle:** reasonstolivepepe.png

 **ham sandwich:** L E A V E

 **hercules muffinman:** so is pepe the communal dog

 **angle:** why would we need a communal dog laf adopted him so have them deal with it

 **laffy duck:** angel weren’t u the one complaining u were lonely all the time and you wanted something to keep u company (i.e. A DOG) while your sisters were off doing other shit

 **angle:** STOP

 **elizzle:** they’re only speaking facts my dearest

 **marg:** laf send a picture

 **laffy duck:** DOG.png

 **ham sandwich:** AWWWWWWW

 **hercules muffinman:** KSJSKDKSJ

 **marg:** LOOK AT HIM OSMD

 **angle:** GIVE HIM TO ME

 **elizzle:** he’s definitely a pepe

 **saint lauren(s)t:** is his collar a french flag

 **laffy duck:** ……….

 **ham sandwich:** laf just admit you’ve shoved a baguette up your ass before none of us would be surprised

 **hercules muffinman:** laf im omw we’re going to petsmart

 **laffy duck:** AWH :’) our first date as dog parents

 **elizzle:** wow

 **marg:** i want to get pepe one of those dog hamster balls and see him fuck up laf’s apartment

 **angle:** why

 **marg:** he needs to have a rebellious streak and i will instill that into him

 **saint lauren(s)t:** i second the hamster ball idea

 **ham sandwich:** that sounds like a terrible idea imagine waking up to the sound of something SHOOTING down the hallway followed by something falling over. laf could die

 **elizzle:** yes but we can also tape it and upload it to youtube and forever be known as the hamsterball dog squad

 **marg:** liza of all legacies why would u want to be remembered by a dog in a hamsterball

 **elizzle:** it’s different

 **hercules muffinman:** r.i.p.

 **laffy duck:** why do so many brands of dog food exist

 **laffy duck:** is pepe a puppy?? overweight?? does he need a shinier coat??????? can’t i just feed him chicken and hope he lives

 **hercules muffinman:** why did you adopt a dog again????

 **laffy duck:** shut up horse man you’re the one who thought chameleons were a type of snake when we walked into petsmart

 **elizzle:** iconic

 **marg:** someone explain herc and horses to me pls

 **ham sandwich:** he wants to fuck them

 **saint lauren(s)t:** we were drinking at alex’s place one night and all of us were sort of tipsy but herc got fucking SMASHED and at one point he said 'i wonder what it’s like to fuck a horse’

 **hercules muffinman:** stop I’m at a better place in my life

 **elizzle:** and then he started talking about his lingerie kink

 **laffy duck:** which has been thoroughly explored ;)

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**angle:** SKSHSKKDKDKSJS

 **marg:** IM CRYSIDN WHAT THE FUCKK

 **laffy duck:** HE JUST RAN OVER AND PELTED ME WIT H BAGS OF DOG TREATS ABORT ABORT

 **saint lauren(s)t:** herc isn’t the only one with a lingerie kink here

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**elizzle:** SHDKDJKSJDKDKSK STOPP

 **angle:** #EXPOSED

 **marg:** THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

 **laffy duck:** this is an all inclusive friend group we don’t discriminate based on kinks

 **angle:** please lingerie kinks are nothing compared to mine

 **elizzle:** if you say bdsm we’re never speaking again

 **angle:** Bees Die So Much

 **marg:** Delete

**saint lauren(s)t has added hercules muffinman and ham sandwich to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** i hate all of you

 **saint lauren(s)t:** u weren’t saying that last time i wore that baby pink bralette ;)

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**elizzle:** END THIS RIGHT NOW

 **angle:** TAKE ME TO CHURCH

 **laffy duck:** that was a detail from your personal lives i didn’t want to know

 **marg:** I CANT STOP LAUGJIG

 **hercules muffinman:** I SHOULDNT BE DYING IN THE MIDDLE OF PETSMART PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME

 **angle:** listen y'all have your sexual endeavors just don’t include me

 **marg:** sis i thought u were into threesomes ??

**angle has left the chat**

**elizzle:** PEGGY YOURE GROUNDED

 **marg:** I’M AN ADULT I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT

 **saint lauren(s)t:** my fav part of this mess is that no one is denying anything they just book it

**laffy duck has added angle to the chat**

**laffy duck:** no more sex, do u think pepe would prefer the crunchy toy with the plastic wrap in it or this rope bone thing

 **angle:** 'rope bone’

 **saint lauren(s)t:** rope bone sounds kinkier get that one

 **hercules muffinman:** ajshjskfkd

 **laffy duck:** herc wya i’m leaving

 **hercules muffinman:** i impulsively bought a goldfish her name is rodger

 **saint lauren(s)t:** why is there a d in there

 **elizzle:** i'd make the joke but

**saint lauren(s)t has left the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** there he go

 **marg:** oh my god

 **angle:** :’) eliza’s my fav

 **elizzle:** :’) love u ang

 **marg:** and peggy

 **angle:** WE LOVE U TOO PEGS

 **elizzle:** <3

 **laffy duck:** the schuyler siblings in action, everyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! time got away from me today so this is kinda late but???? 
> 
> in other news i was editing this chapter and THEYRE SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER AJFHFSHJF but they bond over pepe the french bulldog so it's all good. the next chapter is particularly cute so there's that to look forward to!!
> 
> as always, comments & feedback of any kind are really appreciated!! every kudos i get makes me happier and happier and comments even more so. thanks so much!!


	4. eliza's crush, pt ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **elizzle:** ALEX YOU WORTHLESS DORITO WAKE UP

**elizzle >> ham sandwich**

**elizzle:** ALEX

**elizzle:** ALEX

**elizzle:** ALEX

**elizzle:** ALEX

**elizzle:** ALEX

**elizzle:** ALEX YOU WORTHLESS DORITO WAKE UP

**ham sandwich:** LIZA ITS LITERALLY 2 IN THE MORNING GO TO SLEEP

**elizzle:** WE KISSED

**ham sandwich:** im happy for u now sleep

**elizzle:** NO U DONT UNDERSTAND IT WAS SO SWEET AND TENDER AND SHES SO CUTE FUCKSHSKDJSK IM IN SO DEEP

**elizzle:** SHE COULD STAB ME AND THESE HEART EYES WOULDN’T BUDGE

**ham sandwich:** eliza that’s really gay

**elizzle:** WHAT DO U THINK I AM LMAOOO

**ham sandwich:** fair enough

**elizzle:** im on cloud nine she left already but i’m dancing around the living room and i can’t stop giggling i’m completely and utterly helpless

**ham sandwich:** what were you two even doing anyway?

**elizzle:** we had a movie night but i was so hyperaware of her head on my shoulder that i don’t remember a thing

**ham sandwich:** that’s cute

**ham sandwich:** now pls let me sleep. pls go to sleep liza. im happy for u and maria.

**elizzle:** aaaaAAAAAA goodnight my beautiful lil babe i’ll text u in the morning

–

**ham sandwich >> angle, marg, hercules muffinman, saint lauren(s)t, laffy duck**

**ham sandwich:** liza’s so far gone it’s teeth-rottingly cute

**angle:** if my bby sister is happy im happy

**angle:** haven’t met maria yet i need to ask liza to bring her to dinner with the fam or smth

**marg:** angelica eliza is blissfully unaware u know of this relationship

**ham sandwich:** no i told her

**angle:** ..,…,,,,,,..,,……

**ham sandwich:** she says you’re really bad at being discreet

**angle:** fuck all of y'all i wanted to be a spy when i was a kid. a SPY

**hercules muffinman:** yoooo twins

**laffy duck:** herc u can’t take a step without setting off at least 6 alarms and accidentally killing someone

**saint lauren(s)t:** aksjskskdjjsj

**ham sandwich:** whatever i’m adding eliza

**ham sandwich has added elizzle to the chat**

**elizzle:** hello beautiful ppls

**elizzle:** i stand by what i said you suck at being lowkey angel

**angle:** i hate u and ur observant ass

**marg:** angie even the blindest of rats can see u coming from a mile away

**hercules muffinman:** fuck that made me choke on my toast

**laffy duck:** not the only thing you’ve choked on today ;)

**hercules muffinman:** STOP MAKING THESE CHATS SO SEXUAL I HAVENT EVEN SEEN U TODAY

**saint lauren(s)t:** wait herc and laf AREN’T attached at the hip??

**marg:** Mess

**ham sandwich:** ok ok for real. liza when do we meet the missus

**elizzle:** WE HAVEN’T EVEN MADE IT OFFICIAL YET SHE’S UNOFFICIALLY MY GIRLFRIEND

**elizzle:** and u’ve already met the missus so it shouldn’t matter

**angle:** eliza please. my children are starving and my crops are dying

**elizzle:** FINE are all of you free tomorrow around noon. we can go for lunch.

**laffy duck:** CAN I PICK THE VENUE

**saint lauren(s)t:** why are you using venue in place of restaurant

**elizzle:** yes laf

**saint lauren(s)t:** why am i so neglected in this household

**ham sandwich:** john i do the OPPOSITE of neglect u. did u not appreciate last night.

**marg:** S T O P

**angle:** ok lunch tomorrow at wherever laf picks is everyone down

**hercules muffinman:** yeah

**ham sandwich:** yes

**saint lauren(s)t:** yeah we good

**elizzle:** tbh i’m so excited for y'all to meet her she’s so aaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa

**angle:** i’m excited to meet her too liza  <3

**marg:** same!!!

**laffy duck:** what kind of friend would i be if i wasn’t

**hercules muffinman:** laf pepe just pissed on the carpet

**laffy duck:** F U C K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!! the crew finally plans to meet maria isn't that a disaster waiting to happen. eliza is so?? cute??? she's so excitable i want to keep her in my pocket forever.
> 
> the feedback i've been getting makes me so !!!! and i seriously look forward to posting these chapters!! all comments, kudos, bookmarks, whatever-- i notice them and they make me smile so dumb in the middle of math class. thank you!!
> 
> next chapter: a lunch date. dog science.


	5. lunch dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **elizzle:** hey laf where did you have in mind for tomorrow?

**elizzle >> laffy duck**

**elizzle:** hey laf where did you have in mind for tomorrow?

 **laffy duck:** there’s this place downtown with really good paninis

 **elizzle:** are u sure she’ll like it???

 **laffy duck:** do not worry mon ami. if she doesn’t leave completely in love with the food in her stomach, she is not human

 **elizzle:** yeah but i want her to be in love with ME

 **laffy duck:** fine we’ll go to mcdonalds

 **elizzle:** what kind of paninis are we talkin

–

**laffy duck >> saint lauren(s)t, ham sandwich, marg, angle, elizzle, hercules muffinman**

**laffy duck:** googlemaps.png

 **laffy duck:** here u all are

 **hercules muffinman:** isn’t that the place u took us for our first date

 **laffy duck:** is it the most romantic restaurant i know of

 **angle:** hey i love that place!! the brie and apple panini ajdkjsjs

 **saint lauren(s)t:** there are like 10 of us going will we all fit at that little hipster dump

 **laffy duck:** correction: 8 of us

 **laffy duck:** and yes. they have bigger tables in the back

 **marg:** i’m bringing my pokemon card collection if maria can’t get with it we’re kicking her out

 **angle:** your pokemon card collection is really big pegs

 **marg:** exactly

 **elizzle:** pls don’t bring your pokemon card collection

 **saint lauren(s)t:** MARG HMU WE SHOULD BATTLE SOON

 **marg:** LAURENS WTF BRING YOURS TOO WE’LL DUKE IT OUT LOSER PAYS FOR WINNER’S SANDWICH

 **saint lauren(s)t:** DEAL

 **ham sandwich:** this is suddenly a terrible idea

 **laffy duck:** i sort of wanna bring pepe

 **hercules muffinman:** NO

 **elizzle:** YES

 **hercules muffinman:** N O

 **elizzle:** science has proven that if there’s a dog present, individuals are more likely to fall in love

 **ham sandwich:** eliza of what orifice in your body did you pull that one

 **angle:** STOP THAT SOUNDS GROSS

 **marg:** moist

 **hercules muffinman:** STOP

 **marg:** c r u s t y

 **laffy duck:** i’m so uncomfortable

 **saint lauren(s)t:** all of those words can be used to describe the night i had last night

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**angle:** Y'ALL ARE NASTY

 **elizzle:** ENOUGH

 **laffy duck:** so can i bring the dog

 **elizzle:** yeah

 **hercules muffinman:** laf he isn’t even potty trained yet this is terrible

 **saint lauren(s)t:** i mean just because he’s a dog doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve a social life

 **marg:** why does a dog have a better social life than i do

 **elizzle:** peg you spend all of your time fucking around on twitter

 **marg:** EXCUSE ME ARE YOU THE ONE WHO GOT BLOCKED BY TED CRUZ? NO

 **saint lauren(s)t:** WHAT HNEFUCK

 **angle:** THEY KEPT SENDING HIM ZODIAC KILLER MEMES

**saint lauren(s)t has added ham sandwich to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** HAKSHHSKDKD PEG WE NEED TO HANG OUT MORE

 **marg:** it was my proudest moment i printed the screenshot out and framed it

 **marg:** it’s on my nightstand and i wake up to it every morning

 **hercules muffinman:** that’s oddly empowering

 **laffy duck:** anything is possible

 **elizzle:** ok but seriously we’re all meeting up in a bit MAKE SURE U ALL LOOK GOOD

 **ham sandwich:** ok but can the dress code allow baggy sweats and a hoodie

 **elizzle:** J E A N S

 **saint lauren(s)t:** that is really cruel

 **angle:** its not our fault both of u are lazy pieces of shit

 **ham sandwich:** we aren’t lazy we just like being Comfortable

 **hercules muffinman:** alex you showed up to my sister’s wedding in your pajamas

 **saint lauren(s)t:** sjdkhskf

 **elizzle:** JUST LOOK PRESENTABLE IDC ANYMORE

 **laffy duck:** liza mon amour did u send maria the address

 **elizzle:** yes she says it’s perfect  <33

 **angle:** i’m gagging

 **marg:** new rule: no pda while we’re eating

 **marg:** if any of u pull any lady and the tramp shit i’m leaving

 **hercules muffinman:** but that’s laf and i’s signature

 **marg:** s u f f e r

 **ham sandwich:** ok we’re dressed

 **saint lauren(s)t:** can i just show up naked and call it a social experiment

 **elizzle:** y'all’s hate for clothes is astonishing

 **ham sandwich:** u’d hate clothes too if u had a Rockin’ body like mine

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ham when was the last time u worked out

 **ham sandwich:** i’ve been a busy bee u can’t drag me like that

 **elizzle:** alex i dare u to bench press me

 **ham sandwich:** i will die

 **angle:** are u calling my beautiful amazing sister 2 heavy for u

 **ham sandwich:** NO FGHJKL I COULDN’T EVEN BENCH PRESS A FEATHER

 **saint lauren(s)t:** i didn’t even have to expose alex he did it himself

 **hercules muffinman:** not the first time that’s happened

 **ham sandwich:** we don’t talk about The Washington Incident

 **marg:** i’m very intrigued

 **saint lauren(s)t:** keeping that secret is the only shred of pride alex has left so maybe we should let him keep this

 **marg:** fine god

 **hercules muffinman:** ok see u all in 30

 **ham sandwich:** BYE HOES

 **angle:** bye

 **marg:** ttyl

 **elizzle:** aksjsksdj see u im so nervous

 **saint lauren(s)t:** it’s gonna be fun liza  <3

 **ham sandwich:** very!!!

 **laffy duck:** now get ur asses here pronto i feel alone

 **angle:** laf why are you there already

 **laffy duck:** i like being early so i feel in control

 **hercules muffinman:** now everyone knows who bottoms in this relationship

 **elizzle:** no it’s still pretty vague

 **saint lauren(s)t:** AHSKDJFKD

 **laffy duck:** SHUT UP SHUT UP THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER JUST GET HERE ALREADY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! so we've finally progressed on the date & tbh it's a disaster these kids can't take anything 100% seriously
> 
> i based the place they're going to around an actual lil cafe in la so!! if you're anywhere in the los feliz area alcove cafe & bakery has the BEST apple & brie paninis sdfghjkl i die
> 
> also yfip me: was blocked by joss whedon on twitter so i had to relive that victory through peggy and ted cruz
> 
> as always, comments, kudos, etc, etc are always appreciated!! a lot!! i look forward to them actually! thank you for all the love you've been showing; it's definitely added to my motivation for this!
> 
> next chapter: a sick pokemon battle. the plateaus of hell.


	6. eliza's crush, pt iii (or, a climax)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ham sandwich:** i can’t believe peggy actually fucking brought their pokemon card collection

**ham sandwich >> saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, elizzle, angle, marg**

**ham sandwich:** i can’t believe peggy actually fucking brought their pokemon card collection 

**saint lauren(s)t:** YO SO DID I 

**marg:** JOHN :’)) 

**angle:** if anyone asks we don’t know you

 **laffy duck:** but are we ignoring how good the paninis are because im having a Moment

 **hercules muffinman:** laf we came here to be friends with maria your food kink can wait

 **elizzle:** STOP TEXTING AT LUNCH MARIA IS CONFUSED

 **ham sandwich:** let’s add her to the conversation

 **elizzle:** im not sure if im ready for her to deal with y'all

 **saint lauren(s)t:** liza please she’ll have to get used to it sooner or later

 **elizzle:** fine but when we’re leaving

 **ham sandwich:** THAT WAS SUCH AN ELOQUENT DESCRIPTION

 **ham sandwich:** ‘it’s mostly just kinkshaming and bad decisions’ - eliza schuyler 2016

 **elizzle:** STOOOOPPP

 **angle:** I’m Not Ready For A New Addition To This Family

 **marg:** Too Bad We’ve Already Added Her

 **angle:** shut up marg you just lost miserably in a game of pokemon

 **saint lauren(s)t:** who the fuck brings a squirtle to a fight against an arceus anyways

**marg has left the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** ok but we’re all literally sat at the same table. right now. we are talking in real life face to face. please stop texting

 **laffy duck:** texting makes everything funnier

 **elizzle:** yeah i can’t roast all of you in person i’d probably start crying or something

 **ham sandwich:** akskdhsjfk

 **hercules muffinman:** STOP TEXTING

 **laffy duck:** BUT DADDY

 **angle:** LIZA WE ALL SAW THAT

 **elizzle:** SORRY I SNORT WHE N I TRY NOT TO LAUGH

 **elizzle:** ok i’m siding with herc. everyone shut up

 **hercules muffinman:** i am the flower child

–

**elizzle >> maria reynolds’ foil, hercules muffinman, angle, marg, laffy duck, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t**

**elizzle:** WELCOME FOLKS

 **elizzle:** TO THE SHITPOST CONVENTION

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** hello

 **laffy duck:** MARIA MON AMI  <33

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** LAFAYETTE  <333

 **ham sandwich:** Regret

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ham my dude how are u

 **ham sandwich:** maria my dude i’m great wbu

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** really great !!!!!

 **hercules muffinman:** that transition was really smooth

 **saint lauren(s)t:** welcome to The Crew™ maria alex and herc have lingerie kinks and laf impulsively adopted a dog once

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**laffy duck:** maria pepe is a beautiful small french bulldog. he appreciates ham

 **laffy duck:** ham as in from a pig not the one who wants to fight every breathing organism on this planet

**elizzle has added ham sandwich and hercules muffinman to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** fight me u french fucker

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ur brand precedes u alex

 **angle:** maria is your screenname the brand of aluminum foil

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ofc when an opportunity this rare is presented u take it and run. let me cover ur goods

 **ham sandwich:** well,

**angle has left the chat**

**elizzle:** im glad we’re all getting along with minimal sexual innuendos

 **laffy duck:** maria have u covered liza’s goods yet

 **elizzle:** STOP

 **hercules muffinman:** that is a terrible euphemism for sex stop this right now

 **marg:** i thought u were better than this

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** that’s what i said to alex the first time we had sex

 **laffy duck:** JSKDJDKF

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**elizzle:** MARIA WYA WE NEED TO HIGH FIVE

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ur not the only one maria

**hercules muffinman has added ham sandwich to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** ET TU LAURENS

 **ham sandwich:** MY NAME WILL NOT BE SLANDERED THIS WAY

 **ham sandwich:** I AM A GOOD SEXUAL PARTNER AND NONE OF YOU CAN SAY SHIT

 **marg:** Old Man Yells At Cloud

 **ham sandwich:** JASKHKDD

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**elizzle:** maria!! do u wanna come over to mine  & watch a movie?

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** i’ll be there in 15  <3

 **laffy duck:** wth i wanna go

 **elizzle:** laf can come

 **hercules muffinman:** ?????

 **elizzle:** u 2

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ummmmmmmm

 **elizzle:** laurens bring alex too

 **marg:** eliza im here ring me up

 **elizzle:** what the fuck

 **elizzle:** fine we’ll have a sleepover

**elizzle has added angle to the chat**

**angle:** i’ll b there in 10 with thai

 **laffy duck:** OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, ANGELICA SCHUYLER,

 **hercules muffinman:** can we bring the dog

 **elizzle:** YES

 **marg:** YESYSU

**saint lauren(s)t has added ham sandwich to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** NO

 **ham sandwich:** I CAN WRITE A 10 PAGE ESSAY WHY THS DOG

 **ham sandwich:** DOES NOT NEED TO BE PRESENT FOR EVERYTHING WE DO

 **laffy duck:** alex he’s only a baby

 **saint lauren(s)t:** bring the dog

 **hercules muffinman:** on our way with the dog

 **ham sandwich:** JAKSHSKDKDK LEAVE THE MEME FUCK AT HOME

 **marg:** me i’m the meme fuck

 **angle:** i’ll leave peg at home any day

 **marg:** ANGEL I THOUGHT WE WERE GOOD

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** this is a Mess

 **laffy duck:** some of us are just inherently messy people

 **ham sandwich:** the @ button is free

 **saint lauren(s)t:** btw alex gwash wants us to come into work tomorrow

 **saint lauren(s)t:** he says its important

 **saint lauren(s)t:** aaron’s going

 **ham sandwich:** NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

 **marg:** who’s aaron

 **laffy duck:** he vagues alex a lot on twitter that’s all i know

 **ham sandwich:** talking to aaron burr is like banging your toe against the leg of a table OVER AND OVER AGAIN

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** damn

 **ham sandwich:** he is the human equivalent of taking a can of garbage stapling it to a canvas and calling it art

 **hercules muffinman:** what does that even mean

 **ham sandwich:** BURR IS SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS

 **elizzle:** i’ve met him before?? he doesn’t seem that bad he’s really nice

 **saint lauren(s)t:** alex hates his lack of opinion

 **ham sandwich:** HE’S SO NEUTRAL IT PHYSICALLY PAINS ME TO TALK TO HIM

 **ham sandwich:** HIS BACKBONE IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE UNRELIABLE FLEXIBLE RULERS U GET FOR 99 CENTS AND BREAK THE FIRST TIME U USE IT

 **laffy duck:** the more obscure ham’s analogies get the more angry he is

 **angle:** that’s the general rule yeah

 **marg:** dude burr??? his girlfriend’s so cool she lives on my floor

 **elizzle:** yeah theodosia’s cool

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** wait theodosia prevost?? omg she’s my coworker!!

 **elizzle:** omg!!!! the world is so small

 **ham sandwich:** JSKAHKAJD WHAT THE FUCK

 **ham sandwich:** i can’t believe this

 **elizzle:** whatever ham just get to my place

 **saint lauren(s)t:** where even are u alex

 **ham sandwich:** i’ve spent the last 10 minutes writing an angry rant on twitlonger about burr

 **marg:** holy shit dude

 **ham sandwich:** it’s 1500 words so far i’m aiming for 20k

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ENOUGH

 **elizzle:** alexander hamilton if u don’t get ur ass to my apartment in the next 10 minutes

 **elizzle:** i don’t know but something will happen

 **marg:** smooth

 **saint lauren(s)t:** don’t worry i hauled him off his laptop

 **saint lauren(s)t:** he’s still cursing aaron tho

 **saint lauren(s)t:** he just compared aaron’s head to the flattest plateau in the pits of hell

 **angle:** that’s problematic

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** why is he this way

 **hercules muffinman:** jskdjsjd

 **saint lauren(s)t:** we’ll be there in 5 liza  <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg so the next chapter is where everything picks up a lil bit more!! i'm done introducing maria so she's part of the #crew now lets throw a party celebrating that achievement !!!! alex is just perpetually angry at the world
> 
> i love the idea of the squad constantly doing impromptu things together?? movie nights?? dinner?? sleepovers??? they're all down. always.
> 
> as always, i'm so so thankful for all the comments & kudos & whatnot that are being left because they're everything to me!! i appreciate each and every one!! i will stop using exclamation points now


	7. fifty fire emojis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **marg:** UH
> 
> **marg:** SLIGHT PROBLEM

**marg >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, elizzle, angle, maria reynolds’ foil**

**marg:** UH

**marg:** SLIGHT PROBLEM

**angle:** oh god

**marg:** MY STOVE IS ON ACTUAL FIRE

**marg:** LIKE I WAS MAKING PANCAKES AND THEN SATAN SHIT ALL OVER THAT PLEASANT IDEA

**marg:** IMGOINGTODIE.png

**maria reynolds’ foil:** OH MY GDO

**ham sandwich:** JESUS CHRIST PEGGY CALL 911

**saint lauren(s)t:** i too take pictures of my on fire stove when im within an inch of my life

**laffy duck:** MARG I’M OMW WTF

**hercules muffinman:** WHAT YHE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER????? ITS ILLEGAL TO NOT HAVE ONE GO FIND IT

**marg:** UH UH I DONT KNOW WHERE IT IS FUCK

**angle:** THROW A BLANKET ON IT

**marg:** ok problem solved

**elizzle:** PEG YOU VERY NEARLY DIED ARE YOU SURE YOURE OK

**marg:** yeah lmfao death and i are bffs

**saint lauren(s)t:** ????

**ham sandwich:** i don’t think they meant to make that sound as depressing as it came out

**marg:** no it was just as depressing as i wanted it to be

**laffy duck:** i’m still omw

**maria reynolds’ foil:** my heart won’t stop beating a mile a minute

**saint lauren(s)t:** now that everyone’s safe can we laugh at that picture because I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of my life

**ham sandwich:** someone add the swirl mr krabs filter to it

**elizzle:** fireydeathmeme.png

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ok me

**saint lauren(s)t:** when life just aint workin out

**laffy duck:** marg i’m here ring me up

**marg:** LAF :’)))

**laffy duck:** PEG :’)))

**hercules muffinman:** and herc

**angle:** the rest of us are terrible terrible people marg is probably suffering and we didn’t do anything

**elizzle:** idk about u guys but i’m in the middle of a lecture and i can’t exactly leave

**ham sandwich:** same except im writing a paper

**saint lauren(s)t:** i was taking a nap

**angle:** y'all are the worst

**maria reynolds’ foil:** and yet we’re still ur friends angel so what does that say about U

**angle:** ….

**saint lauren(s)t:** u kno i really like maria

**angle:** MARIA’S GROUNDED

**elizzle:** PLAY NICE

**hercules muffinman:** OOOOOOOH MY GOD THE ICE CREAM MAN’S COMING DOWN THIS BLOCK

**ham sandwich:** herc are you for real

**hercules muffinman:** LAF MARG WHAT DO U WANT I WAS WALKING DOWN THERE ANYWAYS

**laf:** SOMETHING WITH CHOCOLATE

**marg:** STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

**saint lauren(s)t:** this is so unfair i want ice cream

**ham sandwich:** date night john let’s go for yogurt tonight

**saint lauren(s)t:** MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR

**elizzle:** make it a double date (as long as maria’s down ofc)

**maria reynolds’ foil:** yeah that’s cool if alex’s cool

**ham sandwich:** we cool

**saint lauren(s)t:** cool

**elizzle:** cool

**laffy duck:** i hate you all

**marg:** seeing someone as big and burly as hercules sprinting down the street holding a bunch of ice cream is funnier than it should be

**hercules muffinman:** SHUT UP AND RING ME UP

**marg:** anything 4 u my darlin

**laffy duck:** squad

**ham sandwich:** no

**angle:** POSE  & TAKE FOR A SQUAD PICTURE I WANNA PHOTOSHOP IT

**hercules muffinman:** let’s drop a mixtape

**marg:** margarita  & the crew - featuring hits like ‘pepe the dog’, 'mixtape so fire it lit the stove’, and 'ice cream sprintin’

**laffy duck:** we need a record label rn

**elizzle:** this is horrible

**angle:** this is beautiful

**ham sandwich:** i can’t believe you guys are exploiting peg’s stove fire for a mixtape

**hercules muffinman:** we aren’t 'exploiting’ per se we’re only using it to further our success

**saint lauren(s)t:** that’s……. that’s literally the definition of exploiting…..

**laffy duck:** sksjhkd

**maria reynolds’ foil:** concept: herc laf and peggy on a worldwide tour. they are happy with minimal scandal. they have loving fans who support everything they do, and pepe is a meme across the world. all is well.

**saint lauren(s)t:** WHICH OF U FUCKERS STARTS A SCANDAL

**angle:** marg’d probably get in a bar fight

**ham sandwich:** they’d probably do something stupid like eat a donut and not pay for it

**elizzle:** DONT DRAG ARIANA INTO THIS

**laffy duck:** eliza how could u

**hercules muffinman:** is this betrayal

**elizzle:** i have an affinity for catchy pop tunes let me live

**maria reynolds’ foil:** i unironically like justin bieber so we cool

**elizzle:** MARIA :’))

**saint lauren(s)t:** we are never speaking to either of you again

**marg:** WHAT IS IT WITH ALL OF YOU AND BEING 'COOL’

**ham sandwich:** because we are and you aren’t

**marg:** FUCK OFF HAM FUCKER

**angle:** the image of alex fucking ham is very. interesting

**saint lauren(s)t:** NO STOP

**ham sandwich:** I’M NOT INTERESTED IN FUCKING A HUNK OF MEAT

**saint lauren(s)t:** but alex i thought you liked last night

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**marg:** why does it always end like this

**maria reynolds’ foil:** cover his goods john

**laffy duck:** ELIZA DELETE HER

**saint lauren(s)t:** there are two ways to get to alexander hamilton: 1) mentioning aaron burr and 2) sex

**maria reynolds’ foil has added ham sandwich to the chat**

**maria reynolds’ foil:** aaron burr

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t:** figure a

**marg:** laf and herc are picking flakes of burnt pancake off my stove and eating it Why

**marg:** pepe is knocked out on the sofa

**marg:** Everything Has Gone Wrong

**elizzle:** that’s what u get for inviting them over

**laffy duck:** to be fair i invited myself over and herc just follows me everywhere i go

**laffy duck:** he’s like a bby duckling

**saint lauren(s)t:** where’s the whip emoji

**hercules muffinman:** SHUT UP

**ham sandwich:** whip emoji x10

**laffy duck:** ;)

**angle:** marg do u need to go stove shopping soon

**marg:** yeah

**elizzle:** CAN WE GO TO IKEA

**saint lauren(s)t:** DID SOMEONE SAY IKEA

**hercules muffinman:** IKEA !!!!!

**maria reynolds’ foil:** wine moms eliza laurens and herc????

**ham sandwich:** eliza is definitely a wine mom she watches nothing but barefoot contessa all day

**elizzle:** SHUT UP

**angle:** i love being vodka aunt

**marg:** ummmmmmm angel we all know I’M vodka aunt you’re champagne daddy

**laffy duck:** ;)

**angle:** is that even a term

**ham sandwich:** it is now

**laffy duck:** okokokok but there’s still so much smoke in this kitchen???

**hercules muffinman:** marg do you have a smoke alarm

**marg:** lmfao no it kept going off every 5 minutes so i took it down

**angle:** ?!!!?!????!!?!???!??!!?????!!?? that’s why you replace the batteries????????

**marg:** o

**saint lauren(s)t:** cause of peggy’s death: a lack of common sense

**marg:** fuck OFFF

**ham sandwich:** so are we going to ikea

**elizzle:** I K E A

**maria reynolds’ foil:** sweet jesus

**angle:** marg needs a new kitchen let’s go to ikea

**ham sandwich:** we’re going to ikea

**elizzle:** I K E A

**saint lauren(s)t:** I K E A

**maria reynolds’ foil:** please stop

**marg:** welcome 2 hell maria

**elizzle:** FUCK I JUST REALIZED I HAVE A PAPER DUE IN 5 HOURS

**angle:** ELIZA WHAT THE FUCK

**ham sandwich:** IM GOING TO IKEA BY MYSELF BYE

**maria reynolds’ foil:** i’ll be there in 5 with study snacks

**elizzle:** my love  <3

**saint lauren(s)t:** IM SO DISAPPOINTED I WAS SO HYPED FOR IKEA

**ham sandwich:** dw john we still have that dresser we bought like 6 months ago

**saint lauren(s)t:** ok i said GO to ikea not BUILD something from ikea

**laffy duck:** materialism at its finest

**hercules muffinman:** sdfghjsojsnsj

**marg:** whatever eliza just finish ur Damn Paper we’ll just sit here disappointed

**ham sandwich:** MARG JOIN US FOR YOGURT

**marg:** nvm fuck eliza completely i'm still getting more ice cream

**elizzle:** don’t fuck me completely

**hercules muffinman:** STOP

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ;)

**elizzle has left the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t:** oh m uhdo ok peggy we’re on our way

**marg:** see u in a bit losers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmfaoo everything is a mess but it's great. who wouldn't want a good squad field trip to ikea??
> 
> as always re. comments: they are all i live off of anymore!!! thank u all for ur love it means so much !!!!
> 
> next chapter: The Washington Incident, pineapple on pizza


	8. alex's rivalry (with everyone and their mother)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ham sandwich:** HAKSJSHSHKDKDJSKSJSJSJAKSOSISJJSDFGDSGFDD

**ham sandwich >> saint lauren(s)t, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil, marg, angle, laffy duck, hercules muffinman**

**ham sandwich:** HAKSJSHSHKDKDJSKSJSJSJAKSOSISJJSDFGDSGFDD

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** translation?

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ‘washington paired burr and i up to work together on the city finances for the next month and a half’

 **hercules muffinman:** so alex is basically dead

 **ham sandwich:** I AM S E E T H I N G

 **marg:** my dude just tell him u don’t wanna do that

 **ham sandwich:** ITS NOT THAT EASY

 **saint lauren(s)t:** he’s having Washington Incident flashbacks

 **angle:** what is that

 **ham sandwich:** NO

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** pls

 **elizzle:** alex what is The Washington Incident

 **ham sandwich:** I LOST ALL OF MY DIGNITY EVERY LAST BIT OF IT

 **hercules muffinman:** the fact you were born with any at all is shocking

 **angle:** what herc said

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ajskkdkdkj

 **ham sandwich:** FINE MY GOD

 **ham sandwich:** ok so one hot, humid day last summer washington called me in to talk to me right??? it was something about my work ethic

 **elizzle:** you work nonstop tho???

 **ham sandwich:** that was the problem lmao i was working on the financial plans  & i hadn’t eaten slept or done anything remotely hygienic in over 72 hours

 **laffy duck:** holy shit

 **ham sandwich:** he calls me in and i’m so jittery i’d had maybe six entire pots of coffee and we argue for a bit because he wanted me to GO THE FUCK HOME AND SLEEP

 **ham sandwich:** long story short he wins and I go 'BUT DAD’ really loud and it’s quiet in the ENTIRE office for maybe. a whole 3 minutes. pin-drop quiet. ive never been the same

 **marg:** FCK IM DYKGN

 **hercules muffinman:** U CALLED UR BOSS DAD

 **saint lauren(s)t:** IT WAS INCREDIBLE IM SO GLAD I WAS THERE

 **angle:** I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY

 **ham sandwich:** SHUT UP PPP HE’S THE CLOSEST THING TO A PATERNAL FIGURE I HAVE

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** aw it’s ok ham i’m sure gwash didn’t mind

 **elizzle:** isn’t he always calling u son????

 **ham sandwich:** YES BUT THAT’S MORE NORMAL THAN ME CALLING HIM MY DAD

 **ham sandwich:** GOD I BLOCKED THOSE MEMORIES OUT FOR A REASON

 **laffy duck:** so basically complaining to gwash about burr would be like an angsty teen throwing a tantrum

 **marg:** IM LIVING

 **ham sandwich:** AND NOW IM FORCED TO WORK IN CLOSE PROXIMITY WITH BURR I’D MUCH RATHER LITERALLY RIP EVERY HAIR ON MY BODY OUT WITH A PAIR OF TWEEZERS

 **saint lauren(s)t:** it’s only a month hamilton

 **ham sandwich:** AND A HALF

 **angle:** ok hamilton. listen. i kno u hate burr but just think of how much u can annoy him too

 **elizzle:** PRANK WAR

 **marg:** Y E S

 **laffy duck:** MON AMI THIS IS A WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** WRAP EVERYTHING IN HIS OFFICE IN WRAPPING PAPER

 **ham sandwich:** ………

 **saint lauren(s)t:** translation: that’s a really good idea thank u

 **ham sandwich:** shut up laurens

 **ham sandwich:** but tru

 **hercules muffinman:** one of u are gonna be dead by the end of this

 **angle:** i mean what’s the worst that can happen, they get fired?

 **elizzle:** alex is basically gwash’s son chances of him getting fired are very slim

 **ham sandwich:** STOP

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** embrace ur new father alex

 **ham sandwich:** S T O P

 **ham sandwich:** i swear to G d i’m challenging burr to a duel

 **laffy sandwich:** lightsabers or guns

 **saint lauren(s)t:** both

 **angle:** if daisy ridley shows up i’m there

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** speaking of which when are we having a star wars marathon

 **elizzle:** YES GOOD

 **hercules muffinman:** let’s do this friday!!!

 **laffy duck:** !!!!!! yes !!!

 **elizzle:** ok friday my place at 7??

 **saint lauren(s)t:** yeah that’s great

 **laffy duck:** i’m bringing the dog again

 **ham sandwich:** LAF I HAVE ENOUGH SHIT TO DEAL WITH

 **hercules muffinman:** ham you never deal with pepe’s shit it’s always laf or i

 **ham sandwich:** I DONT LIKE INTERACTING WITH A DOG’S FECAL MATTER

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** 'hi dog poop i’m alexander hamilton how are you’

 **ham sandwich:** ??????????

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** u, interacting with a dog’s fecal matter

 **ham sandwich:** ELIZA YOUR GF’S LAME

 **elizzle:** WE ARENT EVEN GF’S

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** wait eliza do u wanna be??

 **elizzle:** ……yes??

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** hi guys I’d like to introduce you all to my new beautiful girlfriend, eliza schuyler

 **elizzle:** o hm ygdo maria ily :’)))

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ILY2 :’))

 **hercules muffinman:** jesus christ

 **angle:** CONGRATS U 2 LOVEBIRDS

 **saint lauren(s)t:** alex hasnt stopped yelling about burr When Will It End

 **ham sandwich:** H A T R E D

 **laffy duck:** pls calm down. have some tea. take a de-stressing nap

 **ham sandwich:** NO

 **saint lauren(s)t:** dont worry i’m on it

 **saint lauren(s)t:** i just popped in to tell washington we were leaving and he’s such a dad i never really noticed until now

**angle:** golfing dad who enjoys poker and comes home to a dinner of salmon with asparagus every day 

**hercules muffinman:** agjkdkd 

**laffy duck:** where’s peggy 

**marg:** im making mac and cheese and it needs my undivided attention 

**angle:** your stove is still burnt to a crisp 

**marg:** angelica believe it or not the microwave is the best invention of the past century 

**hercules muffinman:** ham what happened w/ that tjeff kid 

**ham sandwich:** FUCKING THOMAS JEFFERSON 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** hold up how do those 2 correlate 

**laffy duck:** thomas jefferson is a slut for mac and cheese 

**marg:** tbh so am i 

**angle:** slur 

**laffy duck:** shit ur right sorry 

**laffy duck:** thomas jefferson is a mac and cheese fucker 

**ham sandwich:** I CANT STAND THOMAS JEFFERSON I DHSHHSKFKF 

**elizzle:** alex hates everyone what the hell 

**laffy duck:** i’m offended they say we look sort of similar 

**saint lauren(s)t:** u and jefferson???? how?? 

**laffy duck:** ?????? idk???? 

**ham sandwich:** THE FUCKER FALLS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH JUST AS WE START RLLY IMPORTANT NEGOTIATIONS W/ THE STATE AND SHOWS UP MONTJS LATER WITH A PIZZA ASKING WHAT HE MISSED 

**ham sandwich:** I HATE HIM 

**angle:** sigh 

**hercules muffinman:** the pizza was hawaiian too like who the FUCK puts pineapple on pizza 

**marg:** UNFOLLOWED BLOCKED REPORTED 

**elizzle:** FUCK OFF MARG U DONT PUT FRUIT ON PIZZA 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** I WANT A DIVORCE RIGT NOW 

**angle:** PINEAPPLE DOES NOT BELONG ON ANYTHING WITH CHEESE 

**saint lauren(s)t:** Great Googly Moogly It’s All Gone To Shit! 

**laffy duck:** LAURENS PUT ALEX TO SLEEP ALREADY 

**saint lauren(s)t:** WORKING ON IT BUT HE’S STUBBORN AS FUCK 

**saint lauren(s)t:** done i stole his phone 

**ham sandwich:** hahahahah im texting from two phones 

**saint lauren(s)t:** technology is astounding 

**elizzle:** u kno what else is astounding ;) 

**marg:** what 

**elizzle:** hold on give me a second i don’t have a punchline 

**hercules muffinman:** gaksjsskkdksshshsknshekdnskwbdksbs 

**saint lauren(s)t:** that was so sad 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** take ur time boo!! 

**elizzle:** i will bby!!! 

**angle:** :’) 

**laffy duck:** cute but we need to start planning alex’s first prank against aaron 

**hercules muffinman:** LETS START SIMPLE WITH WHOOPEE CUSHIONS AND WORK UP TO THE EXTREME as extreme as we can get without either of them dying 

**angle:** FLOOD THE OFFICE 

**saint lauren(s)t:** ok so we’re doing this 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends!! i'd like to preface by apologizing for the late update!! this weekend snuck up on me & i'm procrastinating a paper at this very moment so i decided 'hey, lets finally update read receipts. perfect.'
> 
> also, i have no idea how city governments work so this can either be complete bullshit or, on some level, correct?? dare i say politically correct (badum-tssh)
> 
> i've been reading every single one of your comments and cherishing them so much, so thank you!!! they're really great motivators and i'm thriving when it comes to producing chapters thanks to all of ur support!!
> 
> next chapter: school house rock, quesadillas. a good time, all around


	9. they're wasted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **angle:** I CANT BELIEVE WE HAVE TO POSTPONE OUR IKEA DATE AGAIN BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE COULDNT STAY SOBER

**angle >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, marg, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil**

**angle:** I CANT BELIEVE WE HAVE TO POSTPONE OUR IKEA DATE AGAIN BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE COULDNT STAY SOBER

**laffy duck:** rrelax mom amour……it was onlys a cousol shts

**hercules muffinman:** unlike laf i can actually hold my liquor so i’m fine

**laffy duck:** sHiit up Hercules

**ham sandwich:** i want to wrte a 200@@00 word essay onf thes benefits f alocholf

**marg:** i can’t believe u guys didn’t invite me

**saint lauren(s)t:** RSSIE A GLASS!!!! to the four of us

**ham sandwich:** TYO THE OTHER NOT 4 OF US

**angle:** this is not how tonight was planned

**maria reynolds’ foil:** hold up john and alex just laid down the sickest beat i can make something outta this

**elizzle:** work ur magic boo!!!

**maria reynolds’ foil:** raise a glass to freedom/the fact that they’re smashed and we are not/no matter what they tell us

**maria reynolds’ foil:** raise a glass to the four of us/even though they are more of us/we’ll rub this regret in their face

**elizzle:** marg laf herc we’re gonna need that mixtape contract

**hercules muffinman:** laf just burst into tears because they thought that was beautiful

**laffy duck:** MAIRIA Y OU ARE A POET

**ham sandwich:** MARRIA I LVOE YOU. EVEN THIUG JTHE SEX SUCKED!!

**marg:** l m f a o here we go

**angle:** someone take ham out of the chat before he does something he’ll regret forever

**ham sandwich:** TOO LATE!!!!

**elizzle:** gshjdkdisndh he’s right

**hercules muffinman has removed ham sandwich from the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** ok enough of that

**maria reynolds’ foil:** thanks

**hercules muffinman:** no prob maria

**saint lauren(s)t:** HERRC MAKE EME A QUESADILAL

**hercules muffinman:** go make yourself a quesadilla

**elizzle:** REMOVE THE DRUNK PEOPLE FROM THINGS THAT COULD POSSIBLY SET THEM ON FIRE RIGHT NOW

**marg:** my stove was the drunk person i was the thing that could possibly set them on fire right now

**angle:** guys we still need to get peggy their stove

**marg:** TBH IM GETTING ATTACHED TO IT IT TRIED SO HARD

**marg:** youtriedstar.png

**laffy duck:** that stdive was beautiful. wer need to hdold a funeral

**elizzle:** we are not having a funeral for marg’s stove

**marg:** YES

**angle:** peggy no

**marg:** Y E S

**hercules muffinman:** if we have funerals for goldfish why shouldn’t we have funerals for kitchen appliances

**elizzle:** did rodger die

**hercules muffinman:** nah she’s still doing her goldfish thing

**laffy duck:** THE OTHER DAY SSHE DID A BACKFLIP Nnnn!!!!

**maria reynolds’ foil:** herc please put these ppl to sleep ikea can wait

**saint lauren(s)t:** I MMAKING MY QUESSABILA NOW

**hercules muffinman:** knock yourself out my dude

**elizzle:** NOT LITERALLY

**saint lauren(s)t:** im alsways knocked TF out :)$

**angle:** oh my gfodosj

**maria reynolds’ foil:** im busy writing an eulogy for peg’s stove wbu

**angle:** ENOUGH

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ‘we had so little time together (in fact i never met you. but you existed and that’s credit enough) but i cherished it. the way you made that mac and cheese. the way you beeped lovingly when something was on fire inside of you. we’ve been through it all, stove. we miss you, and you will live on forever, through whatever stove peggy picks next.’

**marg:** I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE IM CRYING OVER MY STOVE

**elizzle:** u could say ur FRYING over ur stove

**marg:** FUCK O F F F ELIZA

**angle:** THIS IS SO BAD

**hercules muffinman:** NOT TO INTERRUPT BUT HAMILTON JUST FELL DOWN THE STAIRWELL I AM SCRMWINMG

**elizzle:** SAVE HIM

**maria reynolds’ foil:** HOLY SHIT

**saint lauren(s)t:** NO IF ALEXX DIED HE CANT EAT THIS QUIDADILLA

**hercules muffinman:** I THOUGHT HE WAS CRYING BUT HES JUST LAYING AT THE BOTTOM HUMMING THE SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK PREAMBLE

**elizzle:** HSKDKDJSJDJ

**maria reynolds’ foil:** S A V E H I M

**angle:** IM SCREMAING

**hercules muffinman:** IM IN CHARGE OF TOO MANY DRUNK ADULTS I DONT DESEVRE THIS

**laffy duck:** he’s screamsinh about that jeffersin man again

**marg:** GET HIM OUT OF THE STAIRWELL

**maria reynolds’ foil:** JEFFERSIN LMFAO

**elizzle:** I JUST CHANGED HIS CONTACT IN MY PHONE

**hercules muffinman:** OK LAF IS IN BED I NEED TO HAUL ALEXANDER’S SORRY ASS UP HERE NOW

**angle:** BE CAREFUL

**hercules muffinman:** Regret.png

**hercules muffinman:** we all good

**elizzle:** u took a selfie with a very drunk alexander hamilton

**marg:** oh my God they’re smashed

**maria reynolds’ foil:** why did u guys go drinking it’s 9 pm on a wednesday

**hercules muffinman:** ?????? they needed to get out asap

**hercules muffinman:** alex’d been stuck in his office since yesterday and laf suggested we go out

**saint lauren(s)t:** no one iss here 3 eat ghis quessahjila

**angle:** how many ways are there to misspell quesadilla

**saint lauren(s)t:** sssassshhhhhhshshhhhh angle

**elizzle:** asskdlsjsj go to sleep john

**saint lauren(s)t:** ok k

**hercules muffinman:** the children are in bed and my head is pounding

**maria reynolds’ foil:** take a nap herc u deserve it

**angle:** ur a saint tbfh

**hercules muffinman:** ok peace out kiddos

**elizzle:** goodnight dude

**marg:** BYE HERCULES

**maria reynolds’ foil:** gn  <3

**angle:** TAKE SOME DRUGS and goodnight ok

**angle:** WAIT FUCK

**angle:** MEDICINE

**angle:** but if u wanna smoke a blunt be my fuckin guest

–

**ham sandwich >> gwashingdude**

**ham sandwich:** sir i appreciate yiu sos mch i love y out

**ham sandwich:** youree the closest th ing to a father i havse and i wodudlnt trade u for anythinggg

**gwashingdude:** Alexander? Are you drunk? It’s 4:30 in the morning.

**ham sandwich:** i juss wanna make yu proud sir!!!! jusst wanna make you proud

**gwashingdude:** May I ask what spurred this on?

**ham sandwich:** you'ree suchs a good man… I dont deservd it but….. I look up anf thank moM somethimes.. She’s watchxing and she’s so graciosu.

**gwashingdude:** Go to sleep, Alexander.

**ham sandwich:** Ok, sirre.. i'kl see u tomorrow

**gwashingdude:** Take tomorrow off, please. Rest up. Goodnight, son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa just to preface: i might update every other day now because school is back @ it kicking my ass. what's new tbh
> 
> anyways!! this is so much fun to write every chapter is a new messy, messy adventure and i LOVE it. like who's fucking up this time?? and how???
> 
> i swear your comments make me feel smth else. every time i see the comments # grow, my heart grows 3 sizes. thank you all for your sweet support <3
> 
> next chapter: campbell's cream of mushroom soup, unironic smiley faces


	10. alexander hamilton's day off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ham sandwich:** F U C K

**ham sandwich >> saint lauren(s)t, laffy duck, elizzle, hercules muffinman, angle, maria reynolds’ foil, marg**

**ham sandwich:** F U C K

 **angle:** welcome back my dude

 **saint lauren(s)t:** is death an emotion because I’m feelin it

 **elizzle:** we aren’t ignoring your quesadilla kink btw

 **saint lauren(s)t:** I PUT SOME CREAM CHEESE ON BREAD AND STUCK IT IN THE TOASTER HOW DRUNK WAS I

 **hercules muffinman:** i suffer

 **ham sandwich:** WHY DIDNT YOU GUYS TAKE MY PHONEAWAY

 **laffy duck:** why don’t we EVER take your phone away

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** what happened alex

 **ham sandwich:** I DRUNK TEXTED GWASH

 **ham sandwich:** I WA SBEING GUSHY AND I WANT TO DIE

 **saint lauren(s)t:** LMFAOOAOOOOOOO

 **ham sandwich:** I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM AND THAT HE WAS LIKE MY DAD

 **ham sandwich:** AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING

 **angle:** U TEXTED UR BOSS AND POTENTIALL YTHE NEXT MAYOR OF NYC AT 4:30 AM ABOUT HOW MUCH HE’S LIKE A DAD

 **marg:** IM FUCKSJ G SOBBING

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ALL OF U ARE COMPLETE DISASTERS IM

 **ham sandwich:** WHAT DO I DO HE TOLD ME TO TAKE THE DAY OFF AND ALL I CAN DO IS SCREMA

 **hercules muffinman:** APOLOGIZE OVER TEXT??????????

-

**ham sandwich >> gwashingdude**

**ham sandwich:** Sir, I just wanted to apologize for my texts this morning. I should know better than keep my phone around in times like that.

 **gwashingdude:** It’s no problem, Alexander. It happens to the best of us.

 **ham sandwich:** Of course, sir. I swear it’ll never happen again. Thank you.

 **gwashingdude:** I’ll see you tomorrow, son. Tell John I said hello. :)

 **ham sandwich:** Will do, sir!

-

**ham sandwich >> saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, marg, angle, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil**

**ham sandwich:** I…….

 **angle:** WHAT HAPPENED

 **ham sandwich:** DEATH.png

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ‘Tell John I said hello. :)’

 **saint lauren(s)t:** GANAKSNSJSHSBSKSIAN

 **laffy duck:** ALEX YOURE LITERALLY WASHINGTON’S SON

 **ham sandwich:** shut UPPP

 **hercules muffinman:** I CANT GET OVER THE FUCKSKNG :) THJS IS SO FUNNY

 **elizzle:** GWASHINGDUDE IS SO CHILL ?????

 **angle:** THIS ENTIRE SITUATION COILD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED

 **laffy duck:** I HATE TO AGREE WITH ANGEL BUT,

 **hercules muffinman:** SHUT UP LAF IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO GO DRINKING

 **ham sandwich:** I AM A DISGRACE

 **ham sandwich:** i just went through the rest of last night’s texts MARIA IM SO SORRY

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** it’s chill my dude

 **elizzle:** now everything’s better

 **saint lauren(s)t:** NOT REALLY BUT LMFAO SURE

 **ham sandwich:** WHY DOES EVERYTHIGNG BAD HAPPEN TO ME WHY NOT ANGEL

 **angle:** FUCK U IM ACTUALLY RESPONSIBLE

 **marg:** are we ignoring the time angel accidentally ordered 500 cans of campbell’s cream of mushroom soup off amazon

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ANGELICA

 **angle:** IT WAS LATE AND I WAS TIRED

 **elizzle:** AND THEY SHOWED UP IN A TRUCK AND DAD WAS ????????

 **angle:** GJSKDLDHAHSKDKD

 **marg:** THERE ARE STILL LIKE 300 CANS AT HOME WE DONATED SO MUCH

 **angle:** I MESSED UP ONE TIME OK

 **ham sandwich:** ANGEL THATS A WEIRD FUCKING WAY TO MESS UP

 **hercules muffinman:** WHY DID UOU NEED CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP OFF AMAZON

 **angle:** WE WANTED TO MAKE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE BUT NONE OF US WANTED TO GO TO THE STORE

 **laffy duck:** W H A T T H E F U C K

 **angle:** LET ME LIVE E

 **hercules muffinman:** dammit john you left the cream cheese out

 **laffy duck:** WHY IS THE TOASTER THIS WAY

 **saint lauren(s)t:** gtgchicken.png

 **ham sandwich:** I JUST HESRD THE DOOR SLAM LMFAO

 **angle:** THERE HE GO

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** GKSKSKHANSBD

 **laffy duck:** we’re all still very much hungover im going back to bed

 **hercules muffinman:** same tbh

 **ham sandwich:** make room for me pls

 **marg:** goodnight u shits

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ELIZA RING ME UP

 **elizzle:** WAAHT THEF FUXK JOHN

 **saint lauren(s)t:** PLEASE

 **elizzle:** IM FFUSKCING LAUG JING WHYA RE U HERE

 **angle:** DID LAURENS FUCKNG SPRINT TO YOUR APARTMENT

 **elizzle:** GAJAKSJBS HE’S ALL SWEATY IM MAKING HIM TAKE A SHOWER

 **marg:** WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON ANYMORE

 **ham sandwich:** TOO MYCH IS HAPPENING IM OVERSTIMULATED

 **marg:** i bet you’re always overstimulated ;)

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**laffy duck:** ham man just yelled and threw his phone across the room

 **elizzle:** LMFAO ME TOO TBH

 **saint lauren(s)t:** anyways i showered AND im no longer in your home you can’t prosecute me for the state of your toaster

 **hercules muffinman:** IM SCREAMING YOU SPRINTED TO ELIZA’S BECAUSE YOU DIDNT WANT TO DEAL IWTH THE TOASTER IM

 **laffy duck:** JESUS CHRIST JOHN WE NEEDED A NEW ONE ANYWAY

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** [banging fists on table] I-KE-A I-KE-A

**marg has added ham sandwich to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** I-KE-A I-KE-A

 **marg:** I-KE-A I-KE-A

 **laffy duck:** I-KE-A I-KE-A

 **saint lauren(s)t:** I-KE-A I-KE-A

 **angle:** now we just need some candles and a virgin sacrifice

 **elizzle:** SHUT UP ANGEL

 **angle:** FINE MEET AT MINE @ 6

 **saint lauren(s)t:** :D

 **elizzle:** its ok angel we’ll keep you from ordering 500 of anything

 **angle:** FUCK RIGHT OFF LIZA

 **marg:** ttyl lil homies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg once again, sorry for the late update. it's just hit me finals are in less than a month & all my teachers are basically like 'ok, listen, kiss your non-curricular life goodbye because ya gotta know how benvolio's honest demeanor affects the narrative of shakespeare's romeo and juliet right now this instant,' but i digress. someone tell the montagues to chill
> 
> gwash is one of my fave characters to write tbh because he's so wholesome and he's the only one really who realizes actions have consequences and i know he's only had a cameo so far but we'll see more of him later definitely!!! i want to explore Everyone.
> 
> i changed my twit handle to @elizzleschuyler so!!! i'm garbage and my twitter reflects that. a lot
> 
> next chapter: boba, swivel chairs, and exasperation


	11. ikea squad trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **angle:** OH MU GOD THOMAS JEFFERSON IS AT IKEA

**angle >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, laffy duck, hercules muffinman, maria reynolds’ foil, elizzle, marg**

**angle:** OH MU GOD THOMAS JEFFERSON IS AT IKEA

**angle:** WITH JAMES MADISON IM

**hercules muffinman:** SOMEONE RESTRAIN ALEX

**elizzle:** WHAT THE FUCK EVEN

**saint lauren(s)t:** LMFAOOOOOO LADIES GENTLEMEN AND OTHERS ARE U READY FOR A CABINET BATTLE

**saint lauren(s)t:** get it because we’re at ikea and some1’s def getting their ass kicked today

**laffy duck:** SHUT UP LAURENS

**angle:** we jsut had a conversation im sobbing i think we was flirting with me

**marg:** WHAT DID HE SAY

**angle:** HE CALLED ME SOMETHING IN FRENCH AND THEN DID THE WHOLE ‘HONHONHON’ THING AND WIGGLED HIS RYEBROWS

**angle:** IM TRYING NOT TO LAUGH ITS SO HARD

**ham sandwich:** IM KICKING HIS ASS

**laffy duck:** ALEX NO

**angle:** 'oh, why are you here?’ 'mon amie james here broke our dining table’ AND THEN JAMES MUTTERED SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED LIKE 'WE broke our dining table’

**saint lauren(s)t:** ARE JAMES MADISON AND THOMAS JEFFERSON FUCKING

**maria reynolds’ foil:** WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE

**elizzle:** AHAKSOSNSNSHSB I WANNA SAY HI

**ham sandwich:** ELIZA NO

**elizzle:** 2 BAD MARIA AND I ARE SAYING HI TO TJEFF

**angle:** his hair is so much bigger in person

**angle:** like take john’s hair and triple it

**saint lauren(s)t:** thanks

**elizzle:** IM LOWKEY WATCHING TJEFF FROM ACROSS THE ESCALATOR AND HE’S SKATING AROUND IN THE SWIVEL CHAIRS

**hercules muffinman:** END THIS

**marg:** JAMES LOOKS SO EXASPERATED IM WHSJSKSNDHSJ

**laffy duck:** ALEX HERC AND I ARE UPSTAIRS TELL US WHEN TJEFF LEAVES

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ELIZA ISNT EVEN FHCKSKNG JOKING TJEFF IS SITTING IM EVERY SWIVEL CHAJR AND LAUNCHING HIMSELF ACROSS THE FLOOR

**angle:** THIS SIS SO FUNNY

**ham sandwich:** O H M Y GOD

**hercules muffinman:** alex is visibly about to die

**saint lauren(s)t:** I JUST WANT TO PAY FOR THESE PLANTS GIVE ME A MOMENT

**marg:** we haven’t even started looking for a stove

**hercules muffinman:** FUCK THAT WE’RE DOING IT ONLINE

**angle:** i just said bye to tjeff and I’m…

**angle:** 'tell alexander that we missed him. and that washington told us all what happened last night.’

**ham sandwich:** NO FUCK THIS

**laffy duck:** FUKC HE’S GONE

**hercules muffinman:** THERE HE GO

**marg:** HO LY SHIT ALEX JSUT SPRINT ACROSS THE ROOM OUT THE DOOR

**ham sandwich:** GTG

**angle:** THOSMS’S FACE IS PRICELESS THIS IS SO

**hercules muffinman:** WE SHOUDL LEAVE NOW

**maria reynolds’ foil:** IKEA SQUAD TRIP CANCELLED

**marg:** BECAUSE OF SOME MACARONI FUCKER

**elizzle:** THIS SI TOO MUCH

**saint lauren(s)t:** i named the succulent randy and the fern charles

**saint lauren(s)t:** after charles lee because this fern looks on the verge of death. i will kill it.

**angle:** THIS IS NOT THE TIME

**laffy duck:** why randy tho

**saint lauren(s)t:** idk sounded jazzy

**ham sandwich:** i’m at the boba place across the street what do y'all want

**marg:** ALEX WH A T TH E FUCK

**maria reynolds’ foil:** THAI TEA

**elizzle:** ok tjeff is no longer with us. he ain’t dead but we left

**saint lauren(s)t:** alex would have killed him

**ham sandwich:** tru

**laffy duck:** why do things like this happen 2 us

**hercules muffinman:** alexander wants to fight everyone and u can’t exactly escape that

**ham sandwich:** THOMAS JEFFERSON IS A COMPLETELY VALID HATE

**ham sandwich:** I’D THROW HIM INTO THE ABYSS

**ham sandwich:** AND LAUGH

**maria reynolds’ foil:** headfirst!

**elizzle:** into the abyss!

**angle:** i can’t believe he tried flirting with me

**marg:** angelica tjeff seems like he lowkey would fuck a horse r u surprised

**hercules muffinman:** MY BRAND!

**angle:** STOP I THOUGHT I HAD A CHANCE

**elizzle:** eyes emoji

**ham sandwich:** IF U HOOK UP WITH THOMAS JEFFERSON WE ARE NEBER SPEAKING AGAIN

**laffy duck:** nah im pretty sure he’s w/ madison

**maria reynolds’ foil:** MADISON HAS TO DEAL WITH SO MUCH SHIT SAVE HIM

**hercules muffinman:** i wonder what it’s like 2 have a fake french s/o

**laffy duck:** bc u have a real 1 right here  <33

**hercules muffinman:** <333

**saint lauren(s)t:** i need to ask tjeff about mads

**angle:** im not sure i wanna know if they’re fucking

**laffy duck:** u never know until u ask

**elizzle:** wrong saying but tru

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ok ham man we’re here

**saint lauren(s)t:** FCUCK THOMAS JUST TEXTED ME

–

**DONT ANSWER >> saint lauren(s)t**

**DONT ANSWER:** Hey, John– is Alexander ok? We just saw you at Ikea.

–

**saint lauren(s)t >> ham sandwich, angle, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, marg, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil**

**saint lauren(s)t:** HE’S ASKING IF ALEX’S OK IM FUCKDOSN

**ham sandwich:** FOR THE RECORD IM NOT

–

**saint lauren(s)t >> DONT ANSWER**

**saint lauren(s)t:** Yeah, he’s fine. He just caught a stomach bug and it doesn’t wait for anyone.

**DONT ANSWER:** Oh, well we hope he feels better soon. And could you ask Angelica if she’d like to go for coffee sometime?

–

**saint lauren(s)t >> ham sandwich, angle, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, marg, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil**

**saint lauren(s)t:** UHHHHHHHHH 2 THINGS

**marg:** WHAT DID U DO

**saint lauren(s)t:** 1) i panicked and told tjeff alex had a stomach bug

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t:** and 2) angel he asked me to ask u to coffee. over text. through me

**maria reynolds’ foil has added ham sandwich to the chat**

**angle:** IM SCREAM IG

**ham sandwich:** NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

**laffy duck:** eliza just spilled her tea all over herself

**angle:** WHAT HAM SAID

**marg:** ANGEL CHECK URSELF BEFORE U WRECK URSELF P L E A S E

**angle:** I DONT WANT TO GO ON A COFFEE DATE WITH THOMAS JEFFERSON

**maria reynolds’ foil:** HALLELUJAH.MP3

**saint lauren(s)t:** AHAJSSKSKDIJS WHAT DO I TELL HIM

**angle:** THAT I DONT WANNA

–

**saint lauren(s)t >> DONT ANSWER**

**saint lauren(s)t:** I’m afraid Angelica’s going out of state tomorrow, so she can’t. She appreciates the sentiment, though!

**DONT ANSWER:** Where is she going?

**saint lauren(s)t:** Abroad.

–

**saint lauren(s)t >> ham sandwich, angle, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, marg, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil**

**saint lauren(s)t:** ok problem solved

**angle:** WHAT DID U DO

**saint lauren(s)t:** i said u were going abroad tomorrow so u cant

**angle:** JOHN W H Y

**hercules muffinman:** WHY IS IT SO DIFFCULT TO TYPE 'NO SHE DOESNT WANT TO’

**saint lauren(s)t:** I PANICKED

**ham sandwich:** U DO THAT A LOT AND 1 DAY ITS GONNA KILL U

**angle:** GAJJSKDKDISHS OK. OK IT IS DONE. I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH GREASY GREASY TJEFF. EVERYTHINGS FINE

**maria reynolds’ foil:** THOMAS JEFFERSON IS OPENLY HITTING ON YOU THAT IS VERY VERY NOT FINE ANGEL

**marg:** he’ll get over it

**marg:** if he doesn’t i’ll fight him

**ham sandwich:** ME!!! TOO!!!!!!

**elizzle:** I’M SITTING ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR SURROUNDED BY PAPER TOWELS BC Y'ALL ARE TOO MUCH

**elizzle:** IDK WHAT I’D DO IF ANGEL GOT W/ TJEFF

**laffy duck:** TODAY WAS A MESS LETS END THIS NOW

**ham sandwich:** I CRAVE DEATH

**saint lauren(s)t:** can we have that star wars marathon a day early

**elizzle:** i’ll be out in 2 seconds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my friends !!!!! i hope ur all well. and good. and all that
> 
> anyways asdfhkl i cant even express how much fun i had writing this one like..... tjeff is a mess but he's??? so iconic??? everyone's relatively chill w/ him except for alex who is READY TO KICK HIS ASS AT ANY MOMENT but rlly what's new.
> 
> thank u so much for all of ur comments, they're all so kind!!! i've been doing a poor job of getting back to them lately but know that i read them and treasure them so much <33
> 
> next chapter: a-aron. college tuition. funeral planning


	12. a guide to ruining aaron burr's life

**angle >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, elizzle, marg, maria reynolds’ foil**

**angle:** how is ham pranking aburr

**hercules muffinman:** have everyone call him a-aron for a day

**marg:** LMFAOOO YES

**elizzle:** that’s the tamest option we have so

**maria reynolds’ foil:** tbh im surprised y'all didn’t instantly decide on manslaughter

**ham sandwich:** i’d much prefer that option

**laffy duck:** shut up ham man

**angle:** anyways marg tell theo about the a-aron idea ham and john are in charge of telling the rest of the office

**hercules muffinman:** u think his girlfriend’ll play along??

**marg:** theodosia loves fucking with burr as much as alex loves fucking with burr so yes

–

**marg >> theoBAEsia**

**marg:** u down to prank aaron?

**theoBAEsia:** LMFAO YES

**marg:** COOL ok alex and john are telling everyone at the office to call him a-aron so if u can play along we want to make it stick

**theoBAEsia:** margarita chiquita i love u too much for words

**theoBAEsia:** on it

–

**marg >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, angle, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil**

**marg:** done

**saint lauren(s)t:** i’m peggy’s no. 1 fan

**marg:** u flatter me turtle man

**hercules muffinman:** dick turtles

**saint lauren(s)t:** SHUT UP TURTLES ARE FASCINATING

**laffy duck:** not when they literally look like my dick

**hercules muffinman:** and i’ve seen laf’s dick

**elizzle has left the chat**

**angle has left the chat**

**maria reynolds’ foil:** there they go

**ham sandwich:** STOP DRAWING TURTLES ON EVERY SURFACE IN OUR HOUSE LAURENS

**ham sandwich:** i sit down on the couch and there’s a fucksinf turtle CARVED into the cushion. why

**saint lauren(s)t:** APPRECIATE ART

**hercules muffinman:** why do u like them so much again

**saint lauren(s)t:** we had 2 do a paper on an animal in college and turtles were the only option left

**saint lauren(s)t:** my love only grew when i found out soft-shelled turtles existed because. they’re so cute.

**laffy duck:** dick turtles

**ham sandwich:** they look like someone stepped on some gum and let it sit in the sun for a week

**saint lauren(s)t:** SHUT UP

**saint lauren(s)t:** I GOT A SCHOLARSHIP BECAHSE OF HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM

**saint lauren(s)t:** CALL ME WHEN UR AFFINITY FOR BEING FUCKING RUDE GETS YOUR TUITION PAID

**ham sandwich:** i got a full ride my dude™

**saint lauren(s)t:** THIS IS SO UNFAIR I HATE ALL OF U

**laffy duck:** we lov u colère tortue homme

**marg:** can we pls get back 2 a-aron

**hercules muffinman:** pls

**marg has added elizzle and angle to the chat**

**marg:** how else do we Fuck His Shit Up

**elizzle:** replace all his pens with straws

**laffy duck:** REPLACE EVERYTHING ON HIS DESK WITH STRAWS

**ham sandwich:** AND HAVE HIM GO ON A SCAVENGER HUNT TO FIND HIS SHIT

**angle:** Y E S

**maria reynolds’ foil:** hold up all over manhattan or just in the building??

**ham sandwich:** LMFAOO LEAVE HIS COMPUTER IN FRONT OF THE RICHARD RODGERS

**angle:** i’m chill with the writer of clinton: an american musical so i can probably have him hold on to it

**marg:** HOLD TBE FUCK UP

**ham sandwich:** WHAT

**hercules muffinman:** ANGELICA

**elizzle:** WAIT

**laffy duck:** HO L YSHGIY

**maria reynolds’ foil:** CLINTON??????

**elizzle:** I CSNT FUCCKIDN BELIEV

**laffy duck:** THEY WON A GRAMMY A FEW WEEKS AGO???

**marg:** IVE BEEN TRYING TO GET TICKETS FOR MONTHS

**saint lauren(s)t:** SDFHKSOBSBS

**marg:** AND UR TELLING ME U ARE CHILL WITH THE FUCK ING WRITER

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ANGEL

**elizzle:** IM LOWKEY IN LOVR WITJ THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYS MONICA LEWINSKY????

**ham sandwich:** AND U NEVER ENLIGHTENED US WITH THIS INFORMATION

**angle:** IT DIDNT SEEM IMPORTANT????

**maria reynolds’ foil:** W AH T THE FUCK

**angle:** his wife and i are bffs

**marg has left the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** WHY DOES NOBODY IN THIS FRIEND GROUP COMMUNICATE ANYMORE

**angle:** why didn’t y'all tell me u were fans

**elizzle:** PEG LISTENS TO NOTHING BUT THE SOUNDTRACK EVER ITS SO

**hercules muffinman:** THEYRE CONSTANTLY HUMMING THE RODHAM SIBLINGS AND I WANT TO END THEM

**laffy duck:** hillary! tony! and hugh. the rodham siblings!

**ham sandwich:** we’re looking for a mind at work!

**saint lauren(s)t:** hey!

**elizzle:** hey!

**maria reynolds’ foil:** hey!

**angle:** STOP

**laffy duck has added marg to the chat**

**marg:** THIS WOULDNT HAPPRN IF U TOLD US

**angle:** FINE I’LL TRY TO GET TICKETS my GOD

**marg:** thank u my darling sister

**ham sandwich:** so the scavenger hunt is a go??

**angle:** yes

**hercules muffinman:** i’m dumping his office chair at the top of the empire state

**laffy duck:** marg have you ordered your stove yet

**marg:** YES!!! we’re still having a funeral. all y'all are speaking

**maria reynolds’ foil:** i still have my eulogy

**angle:** WHY ARE U ALL THIS WAY

**ham sandwich:** it’s only fair i mean………….

**hercules muffinman:** it died valiantly we can’t just NOT have a service

**angle:** HHHHHHHHHHHHH

**marg:** my house tomorrow @ 4

**ham sandwich:** i can’t believe im dedicating my saturday to a stove

**angle:** U FUCKING AGREED TO IT HAMILTON

**saint lauren(s)t:** i’ll bring candles

**marg:** NO

**marg:** DO U KNO HOW DISRESPECTFUL THAT IS

**marg:** THE STOVE SET ON FIRE AND UR GONNA TAKE M O R E FIRE????

**maria reynolds’ foil:** b y e

**hercules muffinman:** i’m taking my mixtape

**laffy duck:** herc u’ve been on a celine dion kick lately please do not

**elizzle:** ASDFGHJK

**saint lauren(s)t:** HERC WHY

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**laffy duck:** we watched titanic the other day and he cried so much

**maria reynolds’ foil:** LMFAOO LOVE THOSE HETERO LOVE STORIES

**angle:** my heart may go on but u kno what else will ? ;)

**laffy duck:** what

**angle:** my dick

**laffy duck has added hercules muffinman to the chat**

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**marg:** love urselves…… pls

**angle:** no

**elizzle:** maria just burst into justin bieber next to me i’m suing peggy

**marg:** i’m suing myself i’m so sorry liza

**saint lauren(s)t:** has anyone seen alex i don’t think he’s home

**ham sandwich:** i went downtown to get flowers

**laffy duck:** ?????

**ham sandwich:** for the funeral

**saint lauren(s)t has left the chat**

**angle has left the chat**

**marg:** GET CARNATIONS MY STOVE LOVED CARNATIONS

**maria reynolds’ foil:** alex go home

**elizzle has added saint lauren(s)t, angle, and hercules muffinman to the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t:** ALEX PLEASE

**ham sandwich:** omw home i got 2 dozen carnations

**hercules muffinman:** end this…

**marg:** i’m so #blessed

**angle:** i hate all of u so much

**marg:** see all of u tomorrow  <3333333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> colère tortue homme - angry turtle man. literally. if this is wrong pls let me know i consulted my friend who's been taking french for all of 5 months so correct me if i'm wrong!!!
> 
> anyways hello again!!! it was my birthday yesterday so unfort. this didn't go up before but!! we're here now!!! there's too much cake in my system rn AS WELL AS the new hamiltome sitting on my nightstand??? i'm cryig n??????
> 
> i had to google if hillary clinton had any siblings for this chapter and i think that's a level of dedication i?? never ever thought i'd reach. hillary clinton has 2 brothers named tony and hugh. that is now floating freely in my subconscious to whip out at parties when there's a lull in the conversation and i DESPERATELY want to make conversation. but i digress....
> 
> i'd like to note here that i'll probably be focusing a WHOLE BUNCH on world building starting next chapter just bc i'm falling in love w/ this universe and who knows?? u can probably expect a few (non-texting) spin-offs that'll branch off of certain chapters. no promises but it's a possibility!!
> 
> i hope u all had great weekends!!
> 
> next chapter: wholesome lunch dates. manicures. obscure 2000's-era food network references.


	13. before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **ham sandwich:** I HATE U ALL SO MUCH

**ham sandwich >> saint lauren(s)t, marg, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil, angle, hercules muffinman, laffy duck**

**ham sandwich:** I HATE U ALL SO MUCH

 **angle:** TODAY’S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY NOW THE DAY ALEXANDER HAMILTON CRIES OVER A FUCKIN G STOVE

 **elizzle:** LAURENS WONT STOP LAUGHING HE’S ACTUALLY CRYING

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ANGELICA IS ON TNE FLOOR

 **hercules muffinman:** ALEX COME OUT IF THE BATHROOM WE’RE FINE NOW

 **ham sandwich:** U LYING FUCKS I CAN STILL HEAR PEGGY CACKLING

 **ham sandwich:** NOW ALL OF U ARE LAUGHING

 **laffy duck:** MON AMI WE SWEAR WE ARENT MAKING FUN OF U

 **marg:** WE’RE LAUGHING TO DULL THE PAIN

 **saint lauren(s)t:** <333

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** alex pls come out

 **angle:** COME ON HAM MAN

 **ham sandwich:** BNJHSKSISBD ok i’m good

 **laffy duck:** someone order take out we’re watching tangled

–

**angle >> elizzle, marg, maria reynolds’ foil, theoBAEsia, dolley pocket**

**angle:** omg hi babes i was wondering if y'all wanted to go to lunch soon? it’s been a while since we’ve all gotten together!!

 **theoBAEsia:** !!!!!! YES

 **dolley pocket:** omg yes…….. there’s this place downtown by the art museum….

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** omfg dolley are u talking about the brie apple panini place

 **dolley pocket:** YES

 **marg:** we’ve come full circle this is it

 **theoBAEsia:** ??

 **elizzle:** maria and i’s first official date was there :’)

 **angle:** not really a date since. the entire trash squad was there

 **dolley pocket:** why is ur squad named after alexander

 **marg:** asdfghjkjg im telling him u said that

 **theoBAEsia:** but how have u lovelies been what’s the news what’s the gossip the business

 **marg:** we had a funeral for my stove

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** plans to ruin aaron’s life are full steam ahead

 **elizzle:** i’ve found the new love of my life and it’s pho (sorry maria)

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** dw boo me too

 **dolley pocket:** aw babes that all sounds really great

 **angle:** the rest of the trash squad is good too w/ the exception of hamilton who doesn’t know how to chill. ever

 **theoBAEsia:** aaron’s been all worked up on whatever he’s doing with alex and it’s SO FUNNY

 **theoBAEsia:** he came home one day and straight up screamed into the couch for a solid 10 minutes

 **marg:** free him

 **elizzle:** yeah ham pretty much wants to punch everything in the face???????? esp ever since his partnership with burr

 **dolley pocket:** :’) children

 **angle:** omg.. omg i forgot to tell y'all thomas jefferson tried asking me out and it was horrible

 **marg:** ASDFGHJKL IT WAS SO BAD

 **theoBAEsia:** IM SCREAMING

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** LMFAO HERE WE GO

 **dolley pocket:** OMFGGG I THOUGHT HE WAS W/ JAMES THO????

 **elizzle:** THATS WHAT WE THOUGJT LIKE…….

 **angle:** and then john casually told him i was going abroad so i don’t have to see tjeff for a long while #bless

 **marg:** laurens is a mess

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** his ass is pretty nice though

 **elizzle:** tbh i agree

 **angle:** ENOUGH

 **dolley pocket:** tjeff is. interesting from the times I’ve seen him

 **dolley pocket:** when james  & i were dating he came to literally every function. all of them

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** the first time i met him he was skating around ikea in a swivel chair so…….

 **theoBAEsia:** he and aaron suddenly became Best Bros one day and ever since???????? like i don’t even know at this point

 **dolley pocket:** i need to ask james abt it

 **theoBAEsia:** i need to ask aaron abt it

 **marg:** ur duties are to exploit ur relationships so we can drag these ppl in secret

 **elizzle:** tbfh im so glad we have connections w/ u 2

 **angle:** w e k n o w a l l

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** i mean theo is literally gossip girl i can’t tell u how many breaks she’s spent going OFF about someone

 **dolley pocket:** this secret society is so nice

 **marg:** theo dolley ily

 **theoBAEsia:** :’) ily2 pegsters

 **dolley pocket:** <333

–

**francefucker69 >> memeison, error burn**

**francefucker69:** i just got my nails done

 **error burn:** nice

 **francefucker69:** james i got them painted light pink do you approve

 **memeison:** yeah

 **francefucker69:** :D

 **error burn:** anyways can we talk about how weird alexander’s been acting because we need to talk about it

 **francefucker69:** mon ami when is alexander NOT acting weird that boy’s got too much going on

 **memeison:** i saw his dick once and i can confirm he’s got too much going on

**error burn has left the chat**

**francefucker69:** mon amour what does that have to do with his personal issues

 **memeison:** idk his dick just wasn’t what I was expecting

**francefucker69 has added error burn**

**error burn:** i hate you both so much

 **francefucker69:** dont worry mon ami we love u  <33

 **memeison:** STOP BEING A FAKE FRENCHMAN

 **error burn:** u go on an exchange trip to france for half a semester and come back a france fucker

 **memeison:** thomas why are u like this

 **francefucker69:** u weren’t asking that when u were sitting 8 inches deep on my dick last night

**memeison has left the chat**

**error burn:** STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

 **error burn:** I THINK I JUST HEARD JAMES SMASH HIS HEAD INTO HIS DESK

**error burn has added memeison to the chat**

**memeison:** IM GETTING A DIVORCE AND IM TAKING THE CHILDREN WITH ME THOMAS

 **error burn:** STOP TALKING ABOUT DICKS IM NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER OF YOU AGAIN

 **francefucker69:** if you wanted to join us all you had to do was ask

 **error burn:** IM SO

 **error burn:** THEO AND I ARE HAPPY

 **error burn:** I DONT NEED THIS IN MY LIFE

 **error burn:** NO

**error burn has left the chat**

**francefucker69:** aaron is the best of us

 **memeison:** u just asked aaron burr to a threesome

 **francefucker69:** were u not interested?

 **memeison:** …..

 **francefucker69:** my point stands still

 **memeison:** i can’t believe ur still looking for someone down for a threesome either like…… angelica was the biggest disaster

 **francefucker69:** the people must attempt to reach prosperity as opposed to recede entirely; it is only then that success will emerge

 **francefucker69:** those are wise words washington used in one of his addresses once

 **francefucker69:** don’t act surprised james i wrote them

 **memeison:** whatever

 **memeison:** has hamilton approached u about the a-aron thing yet

 **francefucker69:** yes and we are both taking part

 **memeison:** apparently theodosia’s roping everyone aaron knows into it

 **memeison:** they wanna make it stick

 **francefucker69:** good

 **memeison:** ok gwash is callin i’ll see u when I get home babygirl

 **francefucker69:** <33 see u later mon amour

–

**saint lauren(s)t >> sandra lee’s semi-homecooked meals**

**saint lauren(s)t:** hey lee we’re all calling aaron a-aron on monday if u can play along i’d be appreciative

 **sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** I’m sure Washington wouldn’t approve of these little games such a professional setting.

 **saint lauren(s)t:** come ONNN charles when are you pulling that stick out of ur ass

 **sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** There is no ‘stick in my ass.’ I’m simply following rules you have chosen to completely ignore in favor of some petty grudge.

 **saint lauren(s)t:** and u just pushed that stick a lil deeper

 **sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Laurens, unless there is a direct order from Washington, I will not take part in this. Goodbye.

–

**gwashingdude >> sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals, saint lauren(s)t, ham sandwich, frenchfucker69, memeison**

**gwashingdude:** This is a direct order from me, George Washington, your boss and future mayor of New York City, to call Aaron Burr 'A-aron’ for the duration of Monday and from then forward. Thank you for your compliance.

–

**saint lauren(s)t >> sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals**

**saint lauren(s)t:** ps gwash was one of the easiest ppl to convince

 **saint lauren(s)t:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdfghjkl this chapter is one of my favs i think just because everyone is so :')))
> 
> but good morn/afternoon/evening!!! i hope u all had a nice day & continue having a nice week <3 you're all so sweet and it's really nice to refresh this page to the SWEETEST comments ever like i dont deserve any of u tbh
> 
> next chapter: scavenger hunts, nominations, pieces of shit that RAP


	14. operation tuna fish, pt i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **error burn:** where did u fuckers put my shit

**error burn >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, francefucker69, memeison**

**error burn:** where did u fuckers put my shit

**francefucker69:** the fact that u think i had anything to do with this is offensive, a-aron

**error burn:** SHU THE FUK UP THEODOSIA WOULDNT STOP CALLING ME THAT THIS MORNING AND NEITHER WOULD HAMILTON OR LAURENS

**saint lauren(s)t:** what do u mean a-aron?? we all know i’m innocent

**ham sandwich:** yeah a-aron?? its like u think i’m the villain in this story

**memeison:** eyes emoji tbh

**ham sandwich:** shut the fuck up madison

**error burn:** im sobbing i walked into the office and george went ‘good morning, a-aron’ without missing a beat

**error burn:** WHAT THE FUCCJCUJD

**error burn:** I HAVE TO GO TO FUCKING CENTRAL PARK????????,

**francefucker69:** enjoy your day off mon ami  <33

**error burn:** I’M..,,.,,,, IS THIS A FUFUCKNG SCAVENGER HUNT. I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU

**memeison:** <333

–

**saint lauren(s)t >> ham sandwich, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, elizzle, angle, marg, maria reynolds’ foil**

**saint lauren(s)t:** operation tuna fish is underway

**laffy duck:** ok who decided on that name

**hercules muffinman:** fire them immediately

**saint lauren(s)t:** y'all frowned upon my turtle idea so..,.,,,,,

**ham sandwich:** turtles are lame

**saint lauren(s)t:** U INSULT ME IN MY OWN HOME

**angle:** liza marg maria and i are at lunch with dolley and theodosia

**elizzle:** BURR JSUT SPEEDWALKED PAST US ON THE STREET WE’RE FUCKCCICKFK

**marg:** HE LOOKS SO ANGRY SOMEONE HELP HIM

**maria reynolds’ foil:** WHAT THE FUCK WHERE IS HE GOING

**ham sandwich:** i’m assuming if he’s already picked up his file cabinet from central park he should be on his way to the empire state

**marg:** GHHHJKJGJK

**hercules muffinman:** S A V E H I M

**laffy duck:** i’m sobbing

**angle:** and u already dropped his computer @ the rodgers

**saint lauren(s)t:** YES LMFAO WE MET LIKE HALF THE CAST ACCIDENTALLY

**elizzle:** I HATE YOU ALL

**maria reynolds’ foil:** U TWO WERE ON ONE OF THE ENSEMBLE MEMBERS’ SNAPCHATS THEY WERE SO LOST

**laffy duck:** GHJINBHKKHHJB TBH CANCEL THIS

**marg:** did y'all see the news tho they’re nommed for 16 tonys

**marg:** s i x t e e n

**ham sandwich:** 16? DAMN

**hercules muffinman:** IF I WON A TONY TOMORROW, WELL I KNOW, I WOULDNT BOTHER GOIN ON NO GRAMMY SWEEP

**hercules muffinman:** I’D PICK A FILM COMPANY AND PAY THE DOWN FEE

**hercules muffinman:** THEN, IF YOU’RE LUCKY, YOU’LL STAY FRIENDS WITH ME

**laffy duck:** IF I WIN THE TONY AWARD, YOU’LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN

**laffy duck:** I’LL BE DOWNTOWN, FIND A NICE STUDIO, ADOPT LIKE 20 DOGS

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ITS SILLY WHEN WE GET INTO THESE CRAZY HYPOTHETICALS IF YOU REALLY WANT A TONY GO AHEAD CREATE A SET OF GOALS

**maria reynolds’ foil:** CROSS THEM OFF THE LIST AS YOU PURSUE EM

**maria reynolds’ foil:** BUT WITH 16 TONYS I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT IM DOIN

**maria reynolds’ foil:** probably buying a burger or something

**marg:** SIXTEEN TONYS

**maria reynolds’ foil:** (SIXTEEN TONYS)

**saint lauren(s)t:** WE CAN PAY OFF THE SHIT WE OWN

**elizzle:** WE CAN TELL EVERYONE WE KNOW

**angle:** I CAN GET ON A PLANE AND SUFFER NO MORE

**ham sandwich:** WE’LL BE SWIMMIN IN TONYS YO

**saint lauren(s)t:** WE’LL BE SWIMMIN IN TONYS YO

**marg:** :’)

**laffy duck:** that was great take 5 y'all

**ham sandwich:** HOLD UP AARON JUST TEXTED ME

–

**error burn >> francefucker69, memeison, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t**

**error burn:** HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY OFFICE CHAIR OFF THE TOP FLOOR OF THE EMPIRE STATE

–

**ham sandwich >> saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, elizzle, angle, marg, maria reynolds’ foil**

**ham sandwich:** 'HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY OFFICE CHAIR OFF THE TOP FLOOR OF THE EMPIRE STATE’

**hercules muffinman:** the elevator, duh

**angle:** PEGGY’S SOBBING INTO THEIR SALAD

**laffy duck:** i didn’t think peggy was capable of eating salad

**marg:** FUCK YOU IT HAS CHICKEN

**maria reynolds’ foil:** words to live by

**ham sandwich:** NO REALLY WHAT DO I TELL HIM

**elizzle:** don’t answer

**elizzle:** block his number

**saint lauren(s)t:** LMFAO DAMN LIZA

–

**memeison >> error burn, francefucker69, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t**

**memeison:** the elevator, duh

–

**ham sandwich >> saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, elizzle, angle, marg, maria reynolds’ foil**

**ham sandwich:** ASDFGJDKDNDDKDJD NVM

**saint lauren(s)t:** IM SCREEMDN

**ham sandwich:** HERC MADISON QUOTED U WORD FOR WORD

**hercules muffinman:** IM SUING

**maria reynolds’ foil:** WHAT THE FFUCJCIDNG IS HAPPENING HONESTLY

**angle:** THEODOSIA IS D Y I N G SHES ON THE FLOOR EVERYONE IS STARIGN

**laffy duck:** WHERE DOES AARON NEED TO GO NEXT

**saint lauren(s)t:** THE MET

**elizzle:** LORT HAVE MERCY ON HIS POOR SOUL

**ham sandwich:** AFTER THAT’S THE RODGERS

**ham sandwich:** I SORTA WANT TO BE THERE

**maria reynolds’ foil:** marg just spilled their water all ovER ME

**marg:** CAN WE SEE CLINTON

**angle:** asdfghjkl WE’LL SEE

**laffy duck:** they say the dude who plays bush looks like me so i’m. honestly.

**hercules muffinman:** why does laf have so many doppelgängers

**laffy duck:** BUT THE DUDE WHO PLAYS JOE BIDEN LOOKS LIKE U TOO HERC

**elizzle:** ghjkknhhjficj all these ppl were pieces of shit

**marg:** but they RAP liza

**maria reynolds’ foil:** pieces of shit that RAP

**ham sandwich:** and had torrid, torrid affairs

**marg:** AND HE WROTE IT DOWN, RIGHT THERE!

**laffy duck:** HIGHLIGHTS!

**hercules muffinman:** THE CHARGE AGAINST ME IS A CONNECTION WITH ONE 'LEWINSKY’ FOR PURPOSES OF IMPROPER SPECULATION

**angle:** she said we can go but we might have to watch from shitty seats

**marg:** LMFAOAOAOO I DONT CARE IM SEEING CLINTON

**ham sandwich:** ok. ok we should probably reconvene in a bit

**elizzle:** we’re bringing theo and dolley with us

**maria reynolds’ foil:** operation tuna fish squad

**saint lauren(s)t:** when will ur favs ever,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa hello hello hello i'm finally getting this up
> 
> honestly. these next few chapters get so META (including this one) and i am LIVING!!!! despite this i'd like to preface it now that any portrayal of real life political figures/figures in general mentioned in this fic are completely inaccurate, nor do they reflect my personal views; this will become more relevant in the next couple chapters. i just wanna get that out there bc tbh. clinton: an american musical is so. fuckinfgjshf hsf im laughginj
> 
> anyways thank u for ur sweet comments they're !!!!!!!! so so kind!!! <33
> 
> next chapter: resale tickets. aaron burr and theodosia <3\. 500 american us dollars.


	15. operation tuna fish, pt ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **error burn:** LISTEN UP FUCKERS

**error burn >> francefucker69, memeison, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t**

**error burn:** LISTEN UP FUCKERS

**francefucker69:** lord

**error burn:** I DONT KNOW WHAT I DID TO WARRANT THIS FUCKING RIDICULOUS SCAVENGER HUNT

**error burn:** BUT IM STANDING IN THE WINGS OF A BROADWAY SHOW IVE BEEN WANTING TO SEE FOR M O N T H S

**error burn:** SO THANK YOU

**memeison:** thomas werent you getting us clinton tickets

**francefucker69:** yes james we’ll go this weekend

**memeison:** <33

–

**marg >> angle, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil, theoBAEsia, dolley pocket, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, laffy duck, hercules muffinman**

**marg:** (WAKE ME UP) WAKE ME UP INSIDE (CANT WAKE UP)

**dolley pocket:** is peggy alive

**marg:** IVE NEVER BENE MORE ALIVE TBH

**marg:** BILL CLINTON’S SAX SOLO DURING THE CLOSING NUMBER HAD ME IN T E A R S

**angle:** ok but I think we can all agree bernie sanders’ soliloquy about sinning was the best song

**maria reynolds’ foil:** nice one angle but monica lewinsky owns this ass

**hercules muffinman:** I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT BUSH RAPPING GUNS AND PLANES

**laffy duck:** ‘michelle obama, i need no introduction, when you knock me down I get the FUCK back up again!!’

**elizzle:** no offense but hillary in this one’s mine. fuck y'all

**ham sandwich:** NOT TO INTERRUPT BUT AARON BURR JUST TEXTED AND HE’S COMPLETELY 100% CHILL WITH THE FACT WE THJREW HIS SHIT AROUND MANHATTAN

**theoBAEsia:** i chose to love this man i’m so shsjahaudbfbnsksh

**maria reynolds’ foil:** GHHHGIGHHGJFK

**dolley pocket:** I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE THE DAY

**saint lauren(s)t:** THOMAS IS GETTING TICKETS FOR HE AND MADISON TO SEE CLINTON NEXT WEEK

**marg:** RESALES ARE LITERALLY T H O U S A N D S PER TICKET WHAT HE DOIN

–

**theoBAEsia >> error burn**

**theoBAEsia:** honey why don’t u spend obscene amounts of money on me

**error burn:** theo wtf

**theoBAEsia:** are thomas and james fucking

**error burn:** definitely but they haven’t made it official. why?

**theoBAEsia:** just wondering

–

**theoBAEsia >> francefucker69**

**theoBAEsia:** heyyyyy thomas ;))

**francefucker69:** for the last time theodosia i do not have a foot fetish

**theoBAEsia:** IM FCUDKKSNDKF

**theoBAEsia:** I CAME TO ASK ABOUT JAMES

**francefucker69:** oh

**francefucker69:** why??

**theoBAEsia:** idk i havent checked in with him for a While

**francefucker69:** well i mean.,,.., i’m not james

**theoBAEsia:** yeah but he’s dicked u so many times u might as well be

**francefucker69 has added memeison to the chat**

**memeison:** FUCK U PREVOST

**theoBAEsia:** i’m the golden sunshine child

–

**theoBAEsia >> error burn**

**theoBAEsia:** why are they like this

**error burn:** my love i ask myself that every waking moment of my life

–

**theoBAEsia >> marg, elizzle, angle, maria reynolds’ foil, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, dolley pocket**

**theoBAEsia:** someone explain tjeff and france

**ham sandwich:** GHHHJHHJJ

**laffy duck:** oh no

**ham sandwich:** HE FUCKING LEFT YS DURING ONE OF THE MOST POLITICALLY FUCKED UP TIMES DYRING THE YEAR

**ham sandwich:** FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS

**ham sandwich:** LITERLALY NO ONE KNEW WHERE HE WAS GOIN G EXCEPT FOR LAF, WHO HE FOR SOME REASON BEFRIENDED

**laffy duck:** we’d been talking for like 10 minutes when he asks me if i’d teach him french

**laffy duck:** his grammar is……… how u say……………. fucking atrocious

**hercules muffinman:** IS THAT Y U WERE IN SO MANY SKYPE CALLS ALL THE TIME

**laffy duck:** yes mon amour i have many regrets

**elizzle:** ghskdijsrbkdnfkfk

**theoBAEsia:** why……. are every single one of you……….. complete disasters

**angle:** we’re a wholesome, completely fine family theo stop being so negative

**marg:** i just accidentally tipped my cab driver $500

**theoBAEsia has left the chat**

**dolley pocket:** PEGGY………..

**saint lauren(s)t:** HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY GIVE A HUMAN BEING HALF A THOUSAND DOLLARS

**marg:** I THOUGHT IT WAS A TEN AND IT WAS SITTING IN MY WALLET

**maria reynolds’ foil:** PEGGY PLEASE I BEG OF YOU GO TO SLEEP

**ham sandwich:** WHY ARE YOU CARRYING $500 ON YOUR PERSON

**hercules muffinman:** i can do so much with $500……………….

**laffy duck:** give the barrio computers with wireless web browsing

**hercules muffinman:** SHUT UP LAF

**marg:** I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP WHAT DO I DO

**elizzle:** marg it’s chill just ask dad for $$$

**angle:** i can probably transfer $$ from my acct ??

**ham sandwich:** FUCKING RICH PEOPLE

**saint lauren(s)t:** that’s something u do all the time alex ;)

**ham sandwich:** FUCK OFF

**dolley pocket:** hold up if y'all are so loaded why didn’t y'all buy clinton tickets

**marg:** i gtg my mom said i have to go home immediddatly

**elizzle:** $3000 for a single ticket is expensive :((

**maria reynolds’ foil:** y'all people are dying

**angle:** why are we worried about money when thomas jefferson is out there, existing

**ham sandwich:** THE RICH BINCH HAS A POINT

**marg:** im kicking hamiltons ass

**angle:** SHUT THE FUCK UP EVERYONE

**laffy duck:** angelica your anthem is literally donatella by lady gaga

**angle:** STOP

**saint lauren(s)t:** angel runs a one of those rich person tumblr blogs

**angle:** I FCUCKDHKSHSKDKDJ

**hercules muffinman:** angelica only wears chanel and ysl

**angle:** IM FUCKING

**angle:** THIS IS BULLYING I KNOW IM FORTUNATE AS FUCK

**angle:** FUCK ALL OF U

**dolley pocket:** im screaming this is so messy

**elizzle:** STOP STOP STOP ANGELICA IS THE OLDEST THE WITTIEST ONE OF THE ONLY ONES OF U I’D DIE FOR

**elizzle:** U FUCKERS COULD ONLY WISH TO REACH THE LEVEL SHE’S ON SHE’S THE MOST CARING MOST RESPONSIBLE MOST INCREDIBLE BEING TO GRACE THE EARTH WITH HER PRESENCE AND IF YOU CANT SEE THAT YOURE ABSOLUTELY BLIND

**marg:** ANGELICA IS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE I DONT DOUBT CONFIDING IN SHE’S A GODSEND AND I THANK WHOEVER THE FUCK RUNS THIS SHOW FOR HER ROLE IN MY LIFE EVERY SECOND OF IT

**marg:** SHED DO ANYTHING FOR US AND THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS DO ANYTHING FOR HER SHE DESERVES SO MUCH MORE BUT IT IS OUT OF OUR MORTAL HANDS TO GIVE THAT MUCH

**angle:** im cryignf i love you both so much

**marg:** <333

**elizzle:** <33

**angle:** <3333

**maria reynolds’ foil:** that her!!!! that my gf!! and her beautiful family!!

**saint lauren(s)t:** holy shit

**laffy duck:** the schuyler siblings are a power trio

**ham sandwich:** deities among us

**dolley pocket:** i. ive ascended

**hercules muffinman:** i want eliza and peggy to speak at my funeral

**elizzle:** i can start now since ur already dead to me

**laffy duck:** LMFAOAO I GTG

**maria reynolds’ foil:** YIKES

**elizzle:** but nothing beats that time angel went OFFF on alexander after he accidentally insulted literally everything i stood for

**ham sandwich:** it was a freudian slip im sorry ffgdsdfgkgycdbh

**angle:** tbh im still proud

**elizzle:** i memorized her entire speech

**marg:** HHHHHIGBJGJKSNSKSJSH ITS ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW

**angle:** marg recorded the entire thing its going on my resume

**elizzle:** 'CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE INVENTED A NEW KIND OF STUPID, A DAMAGE YOU COULD NEVER UNDO KIND OF STUPID, AN OPEN ALL THE CAGES IN THE ZOO KIND OF STUPID. TRULY, YOU DIDN’T THINK THIS THROUGH– KIND OF STUPID’

**ham sandwich:** SHE COMPARED ME TO TJEFF…… SHE PUT HIM ABOVE ME I CRIED..,,

**angle:** HE DOESN’T DIGNIFY THE SHIT HE DOES AND DIG HIMSELF A HOLE

**angle:** MEANWHILE 10 TIMES OUT OF 9 U DO EXACTLY THAT

**hercules muffinman:** S M A C K D O W N

**dolley pocket:** F U C K

**maria reynolds’ foil:** is alex ok

**saint lauren(s)t:** I THINK HES CRYING

**marg:** GTGTGTGTGTGTG

**laffy duck:** everyone get home safe and sound pls it’s late

**hercules muffinman:** :((

**angle:** the smack down is Over

**ham sandwich:** i’ve been seriously wounded

**elizzle:** it’s midnight and i’m not home yet this is a crime

**dolley pocket:** holy shit eliza is a mom

**marg:** ur only like 20 years late to the party payne

**dolley pocket:** stop

**saint lauren(t)s:** i agree stop i have to get a sobbing manchild home at 12:15 am in the middle of MANHATTAN

**hercules muffinman:** good luck laf just knocked out

**angle:** cute

**elizzle:** I WANT TO GET HOME

**angle:** FINE dolley stay over @ my place

**dolley pocket:** lmfao like u think i was going home at this hour

**marg:** i love slumber parties im going too

**elizzle:** maria babe u down

**maria reynolds’ foil:** lmfao i’m already at angel’s

**angle:** WHY DID WE ALL TAKE SEPARATE CABS

**marg:** I DONT CARE IM HOPPIN ANOTHER ONE RIGHT NOW

**saint lauren(s)t:** GOODNIGHT GOODBYE GET ELIZA HOME

**angle:** goodnight laurens tell hamilton i said fuck you but also blow him a kiss for me

**hercules muffinman:** goodnight get home safe y'all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back from the dead!!!!! wtf it's been So Long since i updated (it's only been like a week but let me live)
> 
> updates might come a lil later than usual just bc school's kickin my ass (finals are soon though so thank THE LORT the suffering is coming to an end) and i, as the responsible, smart person i am, decided to take up like 6 writing projects including zimbits & stevebucky fanfiction, an independent film script with a friend, and poetry. if any of u are interested in that..................... it exists
> 
> anyways!!!!! thank u so so much for all ur comments kudos bookmarks i'm so :'))) i was really doubting myself about posting this because i didn't want to tick anyone off w/ characterizations or plots but the support has been so incredibly nice i cry about it constantly
> 
> i hope u all have nice weeks <33
> 
> next chapter: everybody hates charles, 50 shades of grey, the rise and fall of angelica schuyler


	16. a.ham's drag race

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Sir, I would like to discuss this ‘prank’ against Mr. Burr that took place yesterday.

**sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals >> gwashingdude**

**sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Sir, I would like to discuss this ‘prank’ against Mr. Burr that took place yesterday.

 **gwashingdude:** Yes, Charles?

 **sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** I don’t mean to question your authority, but, by all means, it seems unprofessional. We are a political operation dedicated to the greater good of New York City, and I believe it important to keep our business strictly to keeping the city afloat. Hundreds of thousands of people rely on us daily to provide much needed laws and to enforce them in the face of anarchy.

 **gwashingdude:** I see.

 **sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** With all due respect, appropriating the behavior Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens promote scars our image deeply, and, even worse, deviates from our true cause. I ask that you discipline them accordingly.

 **gwashingdude:** Charles, as much as your concern is appreciated, I have things under control.

 **sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Yesterday’s events would counter that.

 **gwashingdude:** Lee, watch your mouth. I am capable of leading this office and I do it with utmost pride. Do you take me for someone inexperienced?

 **sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Sir, I apologize; I hadn’t intended to insult. I’m only suggesting a stricter rule.

 **gwashingdude:** I do not 'rule.’ I supervise, and I direct. This is not a monarchy, and I am not king. Drop the subject, Charles. That’s an order.

–

**ham sandwich >> saint lauren(s)t, marg, elizzle, angle, maria reynolds’ foil, hercules muffinman, laffy duck**

**ham sandwich:** LMFAOOOO LEE GOT #REKT

 **hercules muffinman:** who’s lee again

 **saint lauren(s)t:** HES THE GREASIEST PERSON YOU’LL EVER MEET

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** but i thought that was tjeff

 **laffy duck:** the greasiness spreads like disease

 **elizzle:** remind me why y'all got into politics

 **ham sandwich:** i believe I have a greater purpose in life and that purpose involves mass corruption and privileged white dudes

 **marg:** #TheElectionIn6Words

 **elizzle:** yeah but there’s a woman running for prez this time

 **angle:** tbh abigail adams deserves it her policies and views are really good

 **saint lauren(s)t:** LMFAOOO the absolute shitshow that was her calling out john jay for using memes in his campaign

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** 'i believe in the use of words and actions to promote the improvement of our nation, not images of frogs sipping tea’

 **hercules muffinman:** i love her i’m her biggest fan

 **laffy duck:** this year’s election is a Mess

 **ham sandwich:** u kno what else is a mess??? the fact i wasn’t there 2 see lee get chewed out

 **saint lauren(s)t:** charles the plant is thriving because i didn’t have the heart to kill it but i still want to punch him in the face

 **marg:** asdfghjkl;

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** because that def wouldn’t ruin your career

 **hercules muffinman:** tbh it probably wont

 **laffy duck:** john got in a fight his first day at work and he’s still there so. anything is possible

 **angle:** IM SCREAMIG

 **elizzle:** WHAT HAPPENED

 **saint lauren(s)t:** this guy was being racist and i. had Enough

 **ham sandwich:** my hero  <3

 **saint lauren(s)t:** love u babygirl

 **hercules muffinman:** gtg

 **laffy duck:** shut up herc don’t act like you’re not into that too

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**angle:** HOW MANY KINKS DO U EVEN HAVE

 **laffy duck:** however many it takes

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** none of us!! deserve this!!!

 **elizzle:** i’m a firm believer in sexual gratification but. enough

 **angle:** eliza you’re like 12 shut up!

 **marg:** ANGEL YOU’RE LIKE 80 SHUT UP!!!

**angle has left the chat**

**laffy duck:** angelica is only a year older than eliza

 **marg:** she’s 80 years old

 **ham sandwich:** i’m older than angelica

 **marg:** ham is a fucking dinosaur

**maria reynolds’ foil has added angle and hercules muffinman to the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t:** i’m like. a caveman

 **hercules muffinman:** y'all kinkshame me but ham and laurens have the weirdest roleplay thing going on

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** in my senior year of high school i read that 50 shades dinosaur book

 **elizzle:** maria we’re breaking up

 **angle:** I AM 22 YEARS OLD I AM WILD

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** so was 50 shades: dinosaur edition

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** amongst other things

**angle has left the chat**

**elizzle:** the wildest thing angel’s ever done was the campbell’s soup thing but even then it wasn’t too special

 **marg:** wait eliza remember john church

 **elizzle:** LMFAO NVM JOHN CHURCH IS THE WILDEST THING SHES EVER DONE

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** who is john church

 **ham sandwich:** he went to school with me??????

 **marg:** i don’t want to expose angelica without her consent so we’ll stop there

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** LMFAO LIKE THAT’S STOPPED U BEFORE

 **marg:** shut up dragon tamer

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** im fcuckdksjshshjs

 **elizzle:** what does that Mean

 **laffy duck:** do any of you want to babysit pepe for a week hercules and i are going to france

 **hercules muffinman:** what

 **laffy duck:** my best friend is getting married there’s no way we’re not going

 **hercules muffinman:** ???????????????????????

 **laffy duck:** adrienne

 **hercules muffinman:** oh omg!! that’s so great

 **ham sandwich:** keep him away from me

 **saint lauren(s)t:** we can take care of him laf

 **ham sandwich:** JOHN

 **laffy duck:** ok thank u mon ami  <3

 **ham sandwich:** JOHN

 **ham sandwich:** JOHN

 **ham sandwich:** JOHN

 **ham sandwich:** PLEASE

 **marg:** is that what u sound like whenever u sit on a dick because honestly,

 **ham sandwich:** IM FCUXKDKSKDKDN

 **ham sandwich:** WE ARE NOT TAKING CAR EOF LAFAYETTE’S VICARIOUS MEME LIFESTYLE IN DOG FORM

 **saint lauren(s)t:** i’ll swing by after work 2 pick him up laf

 **laffy duck:** :’) thank u laurens

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**elizzle:** john why are u like this

 **saint lauren(s)t:** i love dogs

 **hercules muffinman:** tbh fair enough

 **hercules muffinman:** who wants 2 take care of rodger

 **marg:** ME!!!

**laffy duck has added ham sandwich and angle to the chat**

**maria reynolds’ foil:** eliza what if we adopted a cat

 **elizzle:** yes

 **elizzle:** that means we’d need 2 live together for legal reasons

 **ham sandwich:** i don’t think income info is necessary to adopt an animal

 **saint lauren(s)t:** shut the fuck up alex

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** wwAIt liza are u askin me to move in

 **elizzle:** i mean we BASICALLY live together already

 **elizzle:** but yes?

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** omfg….. omfg babe yes!!! yes i’d love 2

 **marg:** angel started sobbing next to me

 **angle:** THJSISIS IM SO PROUD OF Y'ALL YOURE SO CUTE

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ikea trip (reprise)

 **ham sandwich:** NO

 **ham sandwich:** WERE NOT GOING BACK TI THE CHEESE LAIR

 **hercules muffinman:** i’’m scremsing

 **laffy duck:** just bc tjeff’s been there doesn’t mean it’s tainted

 **ham sandwich:** CHEESE SEEPS FROM HIS VEINS HE SWEATS CHEESE JUICE

 **marg:** that’s gross

 **ham sandwich:** WE ARE N O T

 **angle:** stoPP talki ng about him like that he was into me at some point

 **saint lauren(s)t:** yeah but u weren’t into him

 **angle:** …..

**marg has left the chat**

**ham sandwich:** ANGELICA

 **laffy duck:** ANGELFISSJSH

 **elizzle:** DISOWNED DISSIBLINGED DELETED FROM MY LIFE AS A FAMILIAL FIGURE

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** GGG TTT GGGG

 **angle:** I’M PAST THAT PARTNOF MY LIFE IM..,.. STOP KINKSHAMING ME

 **saint lauren(s)t:** WE ARE 100% SHAMING YOUR CHEESE KINK

 **hercules muffinman:** HYPOCRISY

 **saint lauren(s)t:** HAM JUST HOPPED A CAB HE’S ON HIS WAY TO FIGT YOU

 **ham sandwich:** SSQUQARE UP

 **angle:** I GTG IM LEABING THE COUNTRY YOU’RE NEVER SEEING ME AGAIN

 **elizzle:** i’ve never been more…… Disappointed

 **hercules muffinman:** ANGELICA HAS EXPOSED HERSELF MORE IN TBE PAST 20 MINUTES THAN ALL OF US COMBINED IN THE TIME WE’VE HAD THIS GROUP CHAT

 **saint lauren(s)t:** C H R I S T

 **laffy duck:** but to be fair who can resist someone who looks like me

 **ham sandwich:** anyone with eyes

 **laffy duck:** FUCK U HAM

**hercules muffinman has added marg to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** angel im outside ring me up

 **angle:** whyZxzzzz…. hamilton just threw himself on my couch i think he’s sleeping

 **saint lauren(s)t:** that’s how he fights people

 **hercules muffinman:** inconveniences them

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** that’s such a ham thing to do

 **elizzle:** i’m going to sleep too bye

 **laffy duck:** mon amie it is 6 in the early evening

 **elizzle:** and

 **marg:** liza’s right good fuckin night

 **marg:** too much happened today i’m done

 **saint lauren(s)t:** y'all are lame

**hercules muffinman:** fine sleep laf and i need 2 pack anyways 

**saint lauren(s)t:** FUCK THAT’S RIGHT IM TAKING CARE OF A DOG 

**angle:** this is a terrible idea 

**saint lauren(s)t:** shut up angelica take care of your mess 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** mess (n.) alexander hamilton 

**elizzle:** yes 

**laffy duck:** john isn’t that ur job 

**saint lauren(s)t:** i’m taking a break 

**elizzle:** speaking of taking breaks do y'all wanna go upstate over the summer w/ us my dad’s summer home is too big for 4 of us 

**hercules muffinman:** wtf………. the fuck…….. 

**laffy duck:** omg liza yes 

**saint lauren(s)t:** sure 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** albany squad trip is a go 

**angle:** i can’t believe i have to spend my summer with all of you 

**saint lauren(s)t:** i can’t believe i have to spend my summer with a thomas jefferson fucker 

**angle has left the chat**

**elizzle:** i need 2 tell my dad ur all coming but i’ll text deets later 

**elizzle:** now good FUCKIN night 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** goodnight liza 

**elizzle:** maria come over !!!! 

**maria reynolds' foil:** omw :') 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just quickie note: abigail adams is this universe's equivalent of bernie sanders lmfao jay is hillary clinton. that's as deep as i'm going into my political views everyone can breathe now
> 
> also quickie story: the '50 shades: dinosaur version' is a real actual published book that is real and u can pay money to read and experience. i stumbled upon it on youtube and i . fuck. Petition For People To Stop
> 
> :')) ANYWAYS exciting news im working on a spin-off fic for the past couple chapters & idk when i'll finish it (i'm only like a fourth done it's going to be a decent length i think) BUT i'm beyond excited!! its so dumb!! but this universe is becoming a tangible entity i can play around with!!!!!! but i digress
> 
> thank u all so much for ur comments on last chapter omg i was laughing at the fact y'all were laughing!!!! it's a mutual feeling y'all laugh @ my content & i laugh @ ur reactions its a great relationship
> 
> next chapter: house hunters international. veganism. maria reynolds & eliza schuyler :') <3


	17. the mariza accords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **maria reynolds’ foil:** babe do u want white or baby blue curtains

**maria reynolds’ foil >> elizzle**

**maria reynolds’ foil:** babe do u want white or baby blue curtains

 **elizzle:** both !!!!

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** omg ok!! and i saw this super super cute windowsill planter we can put in the kitchen and plant herbs

 **elizzle:** o m fggg get like 6 of those i want them all over the house

 **elizzle:** we need more plants we should go to the farmers’ market on sunday and see if we find any tall ones

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** our children :’))

–

**angle >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, marg, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil**

**angle:** ok who the fuck ordered 6 windowsill planters and shipped them to my house

 **elizzle:** us

 **hercules muffinman:** that’s cute

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** we’re having plant babies

 **angle:** ok BUT DONT SEND THEM TO MY FUCKING APARTMENT

 **ham sandwich:** payback for the mushroom soup incident

 **marg:** if you receive a mysteriously discreet package sometime this week it’s my dragon dildo i just didn’t want to ship it to my house

**angle has left the chat**

**ham sandwich:** did you actually order a dragon dildo

 **marg:** no

 **saint lauren(s)t:** damn

 **laffy duck:** rip

 **elizzle:** anyways

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** we already have like half our furniture ordered and express shipped

 **hercules muffinman:** but…… u don’t actually have a place yet………….

 **elizzle:** yeah that’s a slight inconvenience

 **marg:** CAN WE WATCH HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL

 **marg:** YOUR HOUSEWARMING PARTY IS JUST 18 HOURS OF HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL

 **ham sandwich:** 18 hours of rich people making the difficult decision of a $3,000,000 house or a $2,500,000 house

 **laffy duck:** mon ami you are so bitter these days

 **saint lauren(s)t:** *every day

 **ham sandwich:** i am a Walking Talking Breathing bitter machine

 **elizzle:** seconded

 **ham sandwich:** i’m so bitter i’m inedible

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** thirded

 **ham sandwich:** i’m so bitter i deflect people

 **marg:** fourthed

 **hercules muffinman:** that explains a lot

 **ham sandwich:** FUCK OFF HORSE MAN

**maria reynolds’ foil has added angle to the chat**

**laffy duck:** how is pepe

 **hercules muffinman:** and rodger

 **marg:** she’s good she does a lot of backflips

 **ham sandwich:** HATRED.png

 **ham sandwich:** YOU SSEE THIS PIECE OF SHIT RIGHT HETE???? I FUCKING HAYE IT

 **angle:** alex the dog looks perfectly content asleep on your couch

 **saint lauren(s)t:** he’s good he likes leftovers

 **elizzle:** that’s unhealthy

 **marg:** liza when was the last time any of us have been even remotely healthy

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** didnt u have a salad like less than a week ago

 **marg:** YEAH BUT I CHUGGED 4 ENERGY DRINKS IN THE SAME HOUR

 **laffy duck:** why would u do that

 **marg:** i was tired and i was NOT falling asleep in the middle of clinton: an american musical

 **hercules muffinman:** REMEMBER WHEN JOHN TRIED TO GO VEGAN

 **saint lauren(s)t:** STOP

 **ham sandwich:** THE WORST WEEK OF MY L I F E

 **elizzle:** im screaming what was his breaking point

 **laffy duck:** we went out for korean bbq and he decided to tag along

 **marg:** me too

 **saint lauren(s)t:** IM FUCUKCJSISISN SHUT UPDPPPP PP

 **ham sandwich:** THE FIRST DAY WE SPENT LIKE 6 HOURS IN WHOLE FOODS…….. I WANTED TOT DIE

 **saint lauren(s)t:** I FOUDN THIS LADY ON YOUTUBE WHO LIVED IN HAWAII AND HAD HER SHIT TOGETHER AND SHE WAS VEGAN I WANTED THAT TO RUB OFF ON ME

 **angle:** johnny baby

 **laffy duck:** johnny appleseed

 **hercules muffinman:** john do you have an apple orchard

**saint lauren(s)t has left the chat**

**elizzle:** im fucucidjissnsnshhssh

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** there he go

 **elizzle:** anyways maria and i’s lesbian pad

 **ham sandwich:** the schuynolds pad

 **laffy duck:** the mariza abode

 **marg:** mi gaysa es tu gaysa

 **elizzle:** all of you are uninvited from the housewarming

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** uninvite them after they move all our shit into the house

 **hercules muffinman:** :(

–

**angle >> schuydad**

**angle:** DAD ELIZA DOESNT HAVE A PLACE YET AND SHE AND MARIA ORDERED LIKE HALF OF IKEA

 **schuydad:** That’s a problem

 **angle:** I KNOWWW

 **schuydad:** Fine I’ll make a phone call

 **schuydad:** Tell her to bring Maria to dinner tonight

 **angle:** thanks pops

–

**angle >> elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, marg, laffy duck**

**angle:** dad said he’ll make a call for u 2

 **saint lauren(s)t:** glad to know I’m back in hell

 **ham sandwich:** welcum back john

 **elizzle:** HOLY FUCK MARIA WE’RE GETTIBG A HOUSE

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** WE CAN OWN A SINK

 **elizzle:** A STOVE

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** a bed ;))

 **elizzle:** who says we don’t have one already ;))

 **marg:** Delete

 **marg:** also fuck y'all for resurfacing memories of my fallen stove i’m still sensitive

 **hercules muffinman:** speaking of which when are we dropping our mixtape

 **laffy duck:** margarita  & the crew revival tour

 **saint lauren(s)t:** y'all talking like it ever lived to begin with

 **marg:** i’m sorry johnny i cant hear you over your aggressively southern dialect

 **saint lauren(s)t:** Y'ALL IS A COMMONLY USED HIP PHRASE

 **ham sandwich:** yh if you live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere, south carolina and own 16 horses

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ….

 **angle:** u do don’t u

 **saint lauren(s)t:** my family had 2 make a living

 **hercules muffinman:** but am i the only one seriously contemplating marg  & the crew

 **laffy duck:** no mon amour i already have song ideas

 **marg:** Y E S

 **angle:** i expect royalties in the mail for founding y'all

 **saint lauren(s)t:** SEE!! Y'ALL IN ACTION!!! RIGHT THERE!!!!

 **marg:** fuck off angel we’re an indie band

 **laffy duck:** the only gigs we play are at tiny overpriced cafes

 **hercules muffinman:** u can’t understand a single lyric we sing

 **marg:** we fuck banjos

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** LORD

 **elizzle:** even 1000 miles apart margarita  & the crew are still a Dynamic

 **laffy duck:** love knows no distance

 **hercules muffinman:** memes do though they confiscated them when we went through customs

 **ham sandwich:** rip herc’s dank memes

 **angle:** Stop

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** how’s france

 **hercules muffinman:** francey

**saint lauren(s)t has left the chat**

**marg:** ME TOO

 **laffy duck:** beautiful as ever. adrienne is showering us with love

 **hercules muffinman:** THIS BATHROOM HAS TINY SHELL SOAPS

 **laffy duck:** the wedding’s tomorrow so we’re Hangin

 **hercules muffinman:** the reception is at DISNEYLAND

**ham sandwich has added saint lauren(s)t to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** john add disney world to the to do list

 **saint lauren(s)t:** noted

 **elizzle:** tell adrienne congrats from mi familia to her familia

 **laffy duck:** she says ‘thank you so much wait is that the gay eliza oh my god introduce us!!!!’

 **marg:** 'the gay eliza’

 **elizzle:** im so….

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** gay

 **elizzle:** yes

–

**schuydad >> elizzle**

**schuydad:** Do you or Maria have a preference for # of bedrooms, bathrooms, etc 

**elizzle:** not really we just want room for a cat 

**schuydad:** Ok I found a studio in Manhattan 

**elizzle:** Y E S 

**elizzle:** thank u papa I’ll tell maria 

**schuydad:** If Angelica didn’t tell you bring Maria to dinner tonight 

**elizzle:** we’ll be there at 6 :) 

**schuydad:** :~) 

– 

**elizzle >> maria reynolds’ foil, marg, angle, saint lauren(s)t, ham sandwich, hercules muffinman, laffy duck**

**elizzle:** MARIA DAD FOUND A STUDIO 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** I’M GONNA START CRYING AT WORK FCUK 

**angle:** :’))) 

**marg:** this is so cute y'all 

**marg:** #1 mariza stan 

**ham sandwich:** mariza sounds cute but also subtly like an internet provider 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** interesting theory alex 

**angle:** schuylers + maria meet at my place we’re having a farewell cuddle session 

**laffy duck:** they’re moving down like a block 

**angle:** i don’t CARE lafayette we are FAMILY and i will MISS them no matter WHERE they go 

**hercules muffinman:** is no one mentioning the schuyler siblings literally live with 1 floor between each of them 

**ham sandwich:** same apartment complex and everything it’s fascinating 

**marg:** SHSSHHHSHHHHHHHH 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** someone said cuddling session and i’m hoppin that train of thought real quick 

**elizzle:** then we can all join dad 4 dinner!!! 

**angle:** yay!! 

**marg:** yay!! 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** yay!! 

**saint lauren(s)t:** c h r i s t 

**hercules muffinman:** also any news on albany squad trip because i need 2 organize my schedule 

**laffy duck:** mon amour idk if 'organized’ is in ur vernacular 

**hercules muffinman:** WE’RE LITERALLY IN FRANCE YOU CANT DRAG ME RIGHT NOW 

**elizzle:** i’ll drop it by dad later nd we’ll see but i’m 100% sure we’re going 4th of july weekend 

**saint lauren(s)t:** FUCK YEAH AMERICA 

**ham sandwich:** stop 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** y'all we’ve been experiencing Too Much america 

**marg:** we live in america 

**angle:** we are american 

**ham sandwich:** i’m fucking an american 

****saint lauren(s)t has left the chat** **

**laffy duck:** technically im french 

**hercules muffinman:** i’m like a third irish but 

**elizzle:** i can’t believe we’re all fake americans 

**ham sandwich:** back 2 nevis i go 

**hercules muffinman has added saint lauren(s)t to the chat**

**angle:** eliza maria where y'all @ 

**elizzle:** SORRY we’re getting starbucks 

**marg:** WTF 

**maria reynolds’ foil:** WE GOT U MARG 

**angle:** i’m so unloved 

**elizzle:** we got u 2 angel 

**angle:** :’)) 

**ham sandwich:** it would be a shame if i had some friends who wanted to hang out with me right now like a total actual shame 

**hercules muffinman:** we’re in france 

**laffy duck:** sorry ham man 

**ham sandwich:** :( 

**ham sandwich:** john 

**saint lauren(s)t:** FINE IM GOING HOME I JUST WANTED TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING IN PEACE 

**ham sandwich:** :) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaa hello y'all i hope ur all well and good
> 
> update on that spin-off: it's coming along!!! slowly but i mean. i have some content. school's out in a week for me and i hope to focus more on writing and stuff over the summer sOOOOooooo give it a little time lol
> 
> anyways i'm probably gonna go take a nap right now so im sorry this note isnt as fantastic as the rest!!!!
> 
> next chapter: getting mf memed on, national treasure, and angelica's Predicament


	18. night changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **laffy duck:** Selon toutes les lois connues de l'aviation, il n'y a aucun moyen d'une abeille devrait être en mesure de voler. Ses ailes sont trop petites pour obtenir son petit corps de graisse sur le sol. L'abeille, bien sûr, les mouches de toute façon

**laffy duck >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, angle, marg, elizzle, maria reynolds’ foil, hercules muffinman**

**laffy duck:** Selon toutes les lois connues de l'aviation, il n'y a aucun moyen d'une abeille devrait être en mesure de voler. Ses ailes sont trop petites pour obtenir son petit corps de graisse sur le sol. L'abeille, bien sûr, les mouches de toute façon

 **ham sandwich:** NO

 **laffy duck:** parce que les abeilles ne se soucient pas ce que les humains pensent est impossible. Jaune, noir. Jaune, noir. Jaune, noir. Jaune, noir. Ooh, noir et jaune! Nous allons le secouer un peu. Barry! Le petit déjeuner est

 **ham sandwich:** STORP

 **hercules muffinman:** what is happening

 **saint lauren(s)t:** oh my god

 **laffy duck:** Venant! Attends une seconde. Bonjour? Barry? Adam? Pouvez-vous croire ce qui se passe? Je ne peux pas. Je te récupérerai.

 **marg:** E N O U G H

**angle has removed laffy duck from the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** ????????????????

 **elizzle:** According to all known laws of aviation,

**angle has removed elizzle from the chat**

**maria reynolds’ foil:** S T O P

 **hercules muffinman:** IM SCREAMING

 **saint lauren(s)t:** ISNT IT LIKE 4 AM IN FRANCE

 **hercules muffinman:** LAF JUST WOKE ME UP THEYRE LAUGHING SO HARD

 **ham sandwich:** THEY AR EPERPETUALLY BANISHED TO FRANCE NEVER TO RETURN EVER

 **angle:** FUCKCKFKCKC

 **saint lauren(s)t:** WE JSUT WSNT TO HAVE A SLUMBER PARTY IN PEACE

 **hercules muffinman:** YOU ALL HAD A SLUMBER PARTY WITHOUT US - laf

 **marg:** YES FUCK U

 **hercules muffinman:** I AM DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED - laf

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ELIZA IS BEATING ME WITH A PILLOW ADD HER BACK

**hercules muffinman has added elizzle to the chat**

**elizzle:** WHAT THE FCCH TF

 **ham sandwich:** IM BANNING MEMES FROM GHKS GROUP CHAT

**saint lauren(s)t has removed ham sandwich from the chat**

**angle:** john why

 **saint lauren(s)t:** filtering out the memes

 **saint lauren(s)t:** HE JUST KCICKED MENIN TJE STOMACVJ

 **marg:** I WANT TO GO HOME

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** S U F F E R

 **elizzle:** WE WENT FROM WATCHING NATIONAL TREASURE TO SCREMAJNG AND KICKING EACH OTHER ACTOSS THE SOFA

 **hercules muffinman:** all because of moi - laf

 **angle:** GIVE HERC HIS PHONE BACK

 **hercules muffinman:** NEVER

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** GO TO S L E E P

 **saint lauren(s)t:** WHYA RE YOU LIKE THSI

 **saint lauren(s)t:** UR IN FRANCE FOR A DAY AND SUDDENTLY EVERYTHING GOES TO FUCK

 **elizzle:** where is fuck

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** come on eliza we were there earlier

**angle has left the chat**

**marg:** NOOO O O O O. STO PP

 **hercules muffinman:** I GOT MY PHOENB BACK LAF WONT STOP CHASING ME TO GET IT BACK I WANT TO LIVE

 **saint lauren(s)t:** WHERE IS THEIR PHONE

 **hercules muffinman:** its on the nightstand but it is much more fun to text under hercules’ name - laf

 **elizzle:** ghjihhdkdkhahekdbshdkdkdj

**maria reynolds’ foil has added angle and ham sandwich to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** B O I I. I I I I I I I I I I I

 **saint lauren(s)t:** MARIA WHY

 **ham sandwich:** MY NAME HAS BEEN SLANDERED, DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD, RUINED AND DEFAMED. I HAVE BEEN STRIPPED OF MY DIGNIFIED SENSE OF SELF, MY PRIDE AND MORALS, AND I HAVE BEEN SUBJECTED TO THE CRUELEST FORM OF HARASSMENT, SOME THAT COMES FROM THOSE I TRUST WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I AM VICTIMIZED

 **marg:** i’m the mud

 **hercules muffinman:** F U C K IM SCREAMING

 **hercules muffinman:** I GOT MY PJONE BACK LAF KNOCKED OUT

 **angle:** hamilton being the biggest meme in this group chat. discuss.

 **elizzle:** CONGRATULATIONS HAM U PLAYED URSELF

 **ham sandwich:** I Imagine Death So Much It Feels More Like A Memory

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** can we pls get back to national treasure nicholas cage is about to steal the declaration of independence

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP HERC

 **hercules muffinman:** FINE MOM GOODNIGHT

 **angle:** goodnight herc

 **saint lauren(s)t:** bye my dude

 **marg:** ok

 **marg:** anyways

 **elizzle:** peggy we’re literally all in the same room

 **marg:** i wanna talk abt smth but idk i’d rather type it out

 **angle:** that’s ok bby  <3

 **marg:** so like i’ve been feelin kinda ????? and i want 2 change my pronouns?? and for y'all to use them??

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** of course we would!! which ones would u prefer?

 **ham sandwich:** we’d do anything 4 u pegger  <3

 **marg:** WTF IS A PEGGER

 **marg:** JOHN STOP LAUGJING I’M SHOVING MY FOOT UP YR ASS

 **angle:** oh my gdjjddidh

 **marg:** anyway

 **marg:** could u use xie/xem for me? like. ‘xie went to the store’ or 'go to the store with xem’ or 'xey are better than all of u’

 **ham sandwich:** RUDE AND FALSE

 **angle:** shut up ham its tru

 **ham sandwich:** HHSKDKD

 **marg:** but yeah .

 **elizzle:** marg ofc!!! ofc!!

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** peggy is amazing i lov xem :^)

 **marg:** GJSKDKD WTF I LOVE Y'ALL SO MUCH

 **saint lauren(s)t:** PEGGER

 **marg:** john is the only exception

 **angle:** me 2

 **saint lauren(s)t:** THE DISRESPECT

 **saint lauren(s)t:** but really we’d always listen to u marg  <33

 **ham sandwich:** im not good w sentimental stuff but peggy we’re always here 4 u and like . we ya bros

 **angle:** ur a shit peggy but ur a shit we love and treasure

 **saint lauren(s)t:** *national treasure

 **marg:** omg

 **elizzle:** angel and i are literally ur sisters and maria’s basically ur sister too so u know

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** <333 ELIZA THATS CUTE

 **elizzle:** ILY MARIA  <33333

 **marg:** christ

 **marg:** anyways thank u, have a wonderful night, and 2 all a goodnight

 **marg:** now pls can we watch nicholas cage steal the constitution

 **ham sandwich:** DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

 **marg:** SAME THING U PIECE OF HISTORY SHIT

 **saint lauren(s)t:** HJDKFKDD AGREED

 **marg:** AND U SHUT UP U SOUTH CAROLINIAN EMO

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** h oly shit

 **ham sandwich:** fuckckdkdjdjdk

 **elizzle:** peggy is my hero

 **angle:** since we’re being all soppy i.......................... rlly like dolley payne

 **saint lauren(s)t:** THE TABLES HAVE TABLED

 **elizzle:** ANGELICA THATS SO CUTE

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** omffggkdjdkdsjdjs

 **angle:** U TELL ANYONE AND ALL OF U ARE DEAD 2 ME

 **ham sandwich:** i thought i already was tho??

 **angle:** alexander hamilton if you do not shut the fuck up im shutting you up myself

 **ham sandwich:** fight me

 **marg:** ANGEL STOP

 **elizzle:** MY CUSHIONS ARE NOT PROJECTILES STOP

 **saint lauren(s)t:** JSKSJSJSJJSSJJSJSJSJSJS

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** ok but rlly how are we making #dongelica happen

 **saint lauren(s)t:** D O N G

 **elizzle:** IM KICKING LAURENS OUT OF MY HOUSE

 **marg:** FUCCJING DONGELICA IM CHANGING DOLLEY’S CONTACT RN

 **angle:** I HATE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH OH M HG ODD

 **angle:** IM GOING THROUGH SO MANY CRISES RIGHT NOW AND Y'ALL ARE JUST THINKING ABOUT DONGS

 **ham sandwich:** D O N G

 **elizzle:** GET OHT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW THIS SLUMBER PARTY IS OVER

 **ham sandwich:** FINE WE HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW ANYWAYS

 **elizzle:** get home safe tho

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** hold up liza let me pack them snacks

 **marg:** OH M Y G O D

 **angle:** can i dramatically throw myself across ur sofa tho eliza

 **elizzle:** ghkhghjjjjhkllkjj

 **ham sandwich:** bye u nerds

 **saint lauren(s)t:** PPPPEACE OUT

 **marg:** can nicholas cage finally continue with his terrible decisions

 **angle:** i’m throwin some popcorn in the microwave now

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** #dongelica :(

 **angle:** MARIA IM GHDKFKD

 **angle:** can we talk about it in the morning bc i. am Tired

 **elizzle:** okkkkkk angel but we Gotta talk about it then. i don’t want to see u suffer

 **marg:** all we do is suffer under a racist, sexist, etc capitalistic society secretly run by men in the sky with overruling power not even the people can demolish

 **maria reynolds’ foil:** can we marathon xfiles after this

 **elizzle:** YES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Selon toutes les lois connues de l'aviation, il n'y a aucun moyen d'une abeille devrait être en mesure de voler. Ses ailes sont trop petites pour obtenir son petit corps de graisse sur le sol. L'abeille, bien sûr, les mouches de toute façon -- According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway
> 
> parce que les abeilles ne se soucient pas ce que les humains pensent est impossible. Jaune, noir. Jaune, noir. Jaune, noir. Jaune, noir. Ooh, noir et jaune! Nous allons le secouer un peu. Barry! Le petit déjeuner est -- because bees do not care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! We'll shake a little. Barry! Breakfast
> 
> i'm sorry for 1) google translate and 2) PULLING THE BEE MVOIE CARD I SENT THE FRENCH TRANSLATION TO MY FRIENDS AND I THINK I REVIVED A MEME
> 
> anyways this is a bit of a shorter chapter but!! i wanted to focus a lil more on pegs & the schuyler dynamic + maria (bless). also i've been simmering on a lot of dolley hc's (projections) and Listen............... i love my daughter dolley madison
> 
> next chapter: impromptu vacations, cheese perfume, eclairs


	19. the one where eliza and angelica are actual kit kat saleswomen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **mwashingdudette:** Honey, we’re going to make an impromptu trip up to Albany.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to take a moment to address the orlando shooting, as, although this is being posted over a week since it, i feel it necessary to stop and think about it. much like everyone else, i am absolutely horrified, and my thoughts are always with those affected. as a lesbian, words cannot describe how it feels. i hope that all of you are okay, and if you need somebody to talk to, i'm always on my accounts (end notes).
> 
> but now, we continue.

**mwashingdudette >> gwashingdude**

**mwashingdudette:** Honey, we’re going to make an impromptu trip up to Albany.

**gwashingdude:** What happened??

**mwashingdudette:** You haven’t been home in 4 days. You need a break.

**gwashingdude:** Primaries are in a few months; I’m sure I can spare a few days. I’ll talk to the #political animals crew.

**mwashingdudette:** Who came up with that???

**gwashingdude:** John, actually. He’s really good at squad names.

**mwashingdudette:** I’ve always liked that boy.

–

**gwashingdude >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, error burn, francefucker69, memeison, sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals**

**gwashingdude:** I’ve gathered y'all here today for a quick business meeting.

**ham sandwich:** sir why are u using y'all in a workplace environment

**gwashingdude:** Hamilton, please.

**saint lauren(s)t:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA I WIN

**ham sandwich:** FUCK U LAURENS

**sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Sir, what did you need?

**gwashingdude:** I’m going on a last-minute trip up north tomorrow, and I need to leave you all for at least a week. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone.

**francefucker69:** that’s doable

**error burn:** thomas alexander hamilton is among us i disagree immensely

**ham sandwich:** shut up a-aron

**error burn:** i hate this

**gwashingdude:** I’ve decided to leave Alexander in charge. Until I return, A-aron, you are to work on the finances alone. Is that alright with everyone?

**error burn:** NO

**memeison:** #rekt

**sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Sir, if I spend more than two days alone with these men, I’ll die.

**gwashingdude:** You’ll survive, Lee.

**ham sandwich:** OOOO SHIT WADDUP

**error burn:** sir pls in a world of children im the irritated babysitter

**francefucker69:** what a strange analogy

**memeison:** george we got u

**ham sandwich:** im sorry ‘george’ ?????

**saint lauren(s)t:** alex you literally called him dad once i don’t think ur in the position to ask questions like that

**gwashingdude:** Oh my god.

**sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Dig my grave now.

**gwashingdude:** Charles, that’s enough. I need all of you up to par with our work, and I trust that you’ll all come through. Thank you. I’ll update you all as to when I’ll return when the time comes.

**saint lauren(s)t:** ooooo ominous

**sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Sir, I just don’t see how my co-workers have kept such an unprofessional, messy ethic. It’s incredibly degrading to our credibility as a group dedicated to something as serious as politics.

**memeison:** ok but fire whoever told u politics were serious

**sandra lee’s semi-homemade meals:** Fuck off, Madison.

**ham sandwich:** OOOOOOOO

**saint lauren(s)t:** OOOOOOOOOOOO

**error burn:** damn

**francefucker69:** is this meeting over i want to take a long bath with the newly-imported french bath salts i got

**gwashingdude:** [bangs gavel twice] Y'all are dismissed.

–

**marg >> maria reynolds’ foil, elizzle, angle, ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck**

**marg:** #dongelica

**angle:** i’m leaving

**elizzle:** ####dongelica

**maria reynolds’ foil:** # d o n g e l i c a

**angle has left the chat**

**elizzle has added angle to the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** what

**angle:** nothing :)

**laffy duck:** anyways we’re coming home tomorrow

**elizzle:** omg how was the wedding!!!

**hercules muffinman:** laf bawled their eyes out

**laffy duck:** ssshshshhshhshshshhhhhshhsssssshhmon amour

**hercules muffinman:** we also got stuck on the ratatouille ride which was really interesting

**laffy duck:** i still have the cheese smell in my nose

**maria reynolds’ foil:** eau de thomas jefferson???

**ham sandwich:** eau de my ass

**saint lauren(s)t:** honestly that’s pretty accurate

**ham sandwich:** SHUT UP JOHN

**elizzle:** anyways i talked 2 dad are y'all ok going to albany over 4th of july weekend

**hercules muffinman:** yeah

**ham sandwich:** FUCK

**marg:** lord

**ham sandwich:** gwash put me in charge and . I can’t leave my station

**saint laurens)t:** alex your station presides over 5 entire human beings, all of them memefuckers. its not that deep

**ham sandwich:** GWASH PUT ME IN C H A R G E

**laffy duck:** i sort of agree he should stay

**elizzle:** I

**angle:** ALEXANDER

**maria reynolds’ foil:** rip

**elizzle:** RUN AWAY WITH US FOR THE SUMMER

**angle:** ELIZA’S RIGHT SCREW YOUR JOB

**elizzle:** I LITERALLY JUST PLANNED OUT AN ENTIRE PICNIC AT THE PARK

**angle:** ALEXANDERRRFRD

**elizzle:** LOOK AT WHERE U R. LOOK AT WHETE U STARTED. UR ALIVE AND ITS A FUCKING MJRACLE

**elizzle:** PLSLSLSLLLLSLLSLS

**angle:** LIKE HONESTLY??? U CAN TAKE A BREAK FOR LIKE . A WEEK PLS

**hercules muffinman:** CCHRIST U SENT ALL THOSE TEXTX AT TBE EXACT SAME TIME

**ham sandwich:** i’m so touched y'all love me so much

**marg:** they’re lying we can do w/o u

**maria reynolds’ foil:** marg

**marg:** SORRY

**saint lauren(s)t:** OK

**saint lauren(s)t:** fck i might side w/ ham for this

**angle:** ET TU LAURENS

**saint lauren(s)t:** our job is actually important :)

**angle:** F U C K O F F

**elizzle:** i am heartbroken i can’t believe my basically-bf is abandoning me for POLITICS!!

**maria reynolds’ foil:** what kind of dismissive garbage

**ham sandwich:** best of wives and best of womemes, eliza and maria :(

**maria reynolds’ foil:** says the biggest meme in this city

**ham sandwich:** I DONT DESERVE THIS

**angle:** neither do we hunty

**hercules muffinman:** so like. laf’s packed all their stuff but their luggage is twice the weight of what they arrived with

**laffy duck:** sont u conscients je n'ai pas été à la maison au cours des années et je préfère mes articles en français à votre poubelle américaine

**saint lauren(s)t:** i’m insulted

**angle:** what

**laffy duck:** j'aime les Américains jusqu'à ce que nous obtenons à leurs produits . la qualité est pas le mot i pense

**ham sandwich:** im setting france on fire

**marg:** the e n t i r e c o u n t r y

**maria reynolds’ foil:** can we pls watch les mis instead it’s the same thing minus the violence

**laffy duck:** THE FRENCH REVOLUTION WAS REAL

**elizzle:** oh my god

**angle:** remember when we went to france for a week and marg took an entire box of eclairs home with xem

**marg:** no ragrets

**maria reynolds’ foil:** wtf i want authentic™ french eclairs

**hercules muffinman:** we’re making a bakery stop @ the airport tmrrw what do y'all want

**saint lauren(s)t:** ELEPHANT EARS

**elizzle:** ROSE MACARONS

**angle:** a cream puff pls

**maria reynolds’ foil:** 2 chocolate eclairs

**marg:** AN ENTIRE TRAY OF CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS

**ham sandwich:** to be free from suffering

**laffy duck:** mon ami i am unsure if they offer that in a french airport but i’ll ask

**ham sandwich:** jk i want an eclair too

**laffy duck:** ok ttyl we gotta go

**hercules muffinman:** BYE DWEEBS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sont u conscients je n'ai pas été à la maison au cours des années et je préfère mes articles en français à votre poubelle américaine - are u aware that i havent been home in years and i prefer my french products to ur american trash
> 
> j'aime les Américains jusqu'à ce que nous obtenons à leurs produits . la qualité est pas le mot i pense - i love americans until we get to their products. quality is not the word i'd use
> 
> HELLO it's been a #hot minute since the last update (only like 10 days but that feels like CENTURIES (cue the fall out boy)) and i!! am sorry this is a little shorter than usual. i promise u next chapter is. it's a doozy!! not sure how many words it is but im pretty sure its like double a normal chapter. like. i spent downtime at disneyland writing some of it so u KNO it's gotta be smth (at least i hope so)
> 
> also i've been listening to the great comet of 1812 (SPECTACULAR MUSICAL BY THE WAY pippa soo's in the cast recording and she's wonderful) and smth involving that might happen soon eyes emoji x10 !!!!!!
> 
> anyways thank u all for ur kind comments & such!! they brighten my day so much omg. have a good one!!!!!!!
> 
> next chapter: spittin bars, angelicAWWWW, the OTHER george


	20. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **elizzle:** t-dizzle we’re in dire need of assistance

**elizzle >> theoBAEsia, maria reynolds’ foil, marg**

**elizzle:** t-dizzle we’re in dire need of assistance

**theoBAEsia:** WTF IS A t-dizzle

**marg:** if we used t-sizzle taylor swift would have found us and sued us

**maria reynolds’ foil:** i

**elizzle:** anyways we’re in dire need of assistance

**theoBAEsia:** yes my beautiful angel, my sun my stars and my moon, eliza

**maria reynolds’ foil:** funny u mention angel bc she’s in Deep Doo-Doo

**marg:** not really she just has a crush

**theoBAEsia:** OMFG MY BABYYY

**theoBAEsia:** WHOOOOOOOOOOO

**marg:** hold up let me ask if i can tell u

–

**marg >> angle**

**marg:** can we tell theo abt dolley

**angle:** add me to the chat

–

**marg >> theoBAEsia, maria reynolds’ foil, elizzle**

**marg has added angle to the chat**

**marg:** be free

**angle:** hi theo

**theoBAEsia:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**angle:** i take back my greeting

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ANGELICA we have gathered u a pack of wingmen except none of us are men

**elizzle:** we have taken prerogative 2 Get Angelica A Gf

**marg:** Get Angelica A Gf

**theoBAEsia:** Get Angelica A Gf

**maria reynolds’ foil:** Get Angelica A Gf

**angle:** ok first of all I am disturbed

**angle:** and second that’s sweet but also no

**theoBAEsia:** angggggggelllllllllllll ;) ;) ;) ;)

**angle:** im leaving

**elizzle:** WAIT

**marg:** but like. do u wanna tell her?? u don’t have to but

**angle:** i really really really like dolley

**theoBAEsia:** OMFG

**theoBAEsia:** i KNEW u had a thing for our lil cubanita aw

**angle has left the chat**

**maria reynolds’ foil has added angle to the chat**

**elizzle:** come on ang we can make it Werk

**marg:** WERK

**theoBAEsia:** ANGELICA REMIND ME WHAT U TOLD ME ONCE

**maria reynolds’ foil:** (she’s lookin for Lov™)

**angle:** theo i’m looking for a mind at work

**elizzle:** LOOKING FOR A MIND AT WORK

**marg:** LOOKING FOR A MIND AT WORK

**maria reynolds’ foil:** GHSKXISNDBSM

**marg:** GJEKDISNBEKENSKSJW EJEMFNEJ

**elizzle:** GNSKDISIQJWNEBDKKSNENEKS

**theoBAEsia:** there’s nothin like summer in the city! someone with a crush next to someone real pretty ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**marg:** ‘excuse me, miss, i know ur in a hurry, but my sis right here thinks ur pretty spiffy’

**elizzle:** omg

**marg:** 'can she treat u to some lunch and a date in the park? could she buy u some coffee and give u her heart?’

**angle:** marg u alarm me

**marg:** oo but u love me

**marg:** i’m a treasure trove honey pls just trust me

**theoBAEsia:** why are you spitting bars

**angle:** ive been examining some blogs for tasteful advice

**angle:** SO Y'ALL THINK IM LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICE

**angle:** u want a revelation???? i want a resolution. so listen to this lil conclusion:

**angle:** im fucked

**maria reynolds’ foil:** OOH

**angle:** and when i step up to dolley? im going to strongly urge her to never speak to me again

**elizzle:** LOOK AROUND LOOK AROUND @ HOW LUCKY WE ARE TO BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW

**maria reynolds’ foil:** LOOK AROUND LOOK AROUND @ HOW LUCKY WE ARE TO BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW

**elizzle:** ANGELICA CAUGHT SOME FEELS™ AND WE JUST HAPPEN TO BE IN THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD

**marg:** GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD!!

**theoBAEsia:** im so confused

**elizzle:** ANGELICA

**angle:** eliza..,,..,,,..,….

**marg:** and peggy!!

**maria reynolds’ foil:** the schuyler siblings!!

**theoBAEsia:** why is this to the tune of the rodham siblings

**elizzle:** SHE’S LOOKIN FOR A MIND AT WORK

**marg:** HEY

**angle:** hey.,,……,,,

**maria reynolds’ foil:** HEY!!!!

**elizzle:** AND WE JUST HAPPEN TO BE

**maria reynolds’ foil:** IN THE GREATEST CITY

**marg:** IN THE WORLD!

**theoBAEsia:** am I the only one absolutely terrified rn

**angle:** but rlly approaching dolley is like a tiny lil ugly dandelion trying to make it to the big rose garden

**elizzle:** that’s a weird analogy but AWWWWWWWWW

**maria reynolds’ foil:** but the thing is that dandelions are still flowers. u don’t have to be a rose to be beautiful

**marg:** chrysanthemum

**angle:** thank you peggy

**theoBAEsia:** we need to have another lunch date

**theoBAEsia:** this time with an AGENDA ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**elizzle:** hold on aren’t dandelions weeds

**angle:** THANK YOU ELIZA

**maria reynolds’ foil:** LIZA PLS

**elizzle:** JUST AN OBSERVATION

**theoBAEsia:** jesusj

**marg:** ok so. lunch date 3.0 is a go?

**angle:** why is our trope the lunch date

**theoBAEsia:** they’re convenient plot bicycles and there’s food attached

**elizzle:** funny how u consider our lives a plot

**maria reynolds’ foil:** what an elaborate, poorly planned plot it’d be

**theoBAEsia:** #exposed

**angle:** ANYWAYS please i’m losing my mind we need to set up a day

**theoBAEsia:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**theoBAEsia:** Release The Dolley

**elizzle has added dolley pocket to the chat**

**dolley pocket:** oye que paso

**elizzle:** DOLLEY WE NEED TO SHIT TALK THE DUDEBROS™

**dolley pocket:** what did hamilton do now

**angle:** everything

**marg:** anyways when is the soonest we can all meet up

**dolley pocket:** i’m off today at 6

**theoBAEsia:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**angle:** im kicking theodosia’s ass

**dolley pocket:** idk why the ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) face but me too

**elizzle:** beautiful we’ll figure out deets later

**marg:** SWEET

**theoBAEsia:** BYE Y'ALL ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

–

**angle >> elizzle**

**angle:** I’M HOING TO EAT MY HAND

**elizzle:** i can literally hear u screaming from two floors above u

**angle:** IM SO FUCKCINC

**elizzle:** at least i won’t have 2 deal with this anymore maria and i just signed the lease for the other place

**angle:** ELIZA

**elizzle:** what

**angle:** D O L L E Y

**elizzle:** yes

**angle:** M O R A L S U P P O R T

**elizzle:** give me 5 minutes

–

**elizzle >> ham sandwich, saint lauren(s)t, hercules muffinman, laffy duck, maria reynolds’ foil, angle, marg**

**elizzle:** angel’s going on a proverbial date this evening and she’s having a hard time coping

**angle:** IM SORRY WAITER THIS IS NOT! WHAT! I! ORDERED!

**maria reynolds’ foil:** #dongelica

**saint lauren(s)t:** DONGELICA REPRISE

**hercules muffinman:** ANGELICA’S GOING ON A DATE

**laffy duck:** herc’s been screeching at a high f# pitch for the past 30 seconds

**hercules muffinman:** ITS M A K E O V E R TIME

**angle:** PLEASE GUY IN THE SKY LET ME LIVE

**ham sandwich:** congrats angelica

**angle:** thanks memelord

**laffy duck:** who is the lucky person

**elizzle:** DOLLEY PAYNE

**laffy duck:** AWWWW

**hercules muffinman:** AWWWWW

**ham sandwich:** AWWWWWW

**saint lauren(s)t:** AWWWWWW

**hercules muffinman:** ANGEL I NEED U @ MY PLACE IN 20 THERE JS SO MUCH TO DO

**angle:** i am terrified and fear for my life

**elizzle:** she says as she skips down the steps out the door

**angle:** SHUT UP ELIZA

**marg:** GO GET HER U SLY DOG

**angle:** i hate all of u so much

**hercules muffinman:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**ham sandwich:** hold shit calm the fuck down

**saint lauren(s)t:** shit: *is hold*

**ham sandwich:** SHUY T YDIDIOD

**hercules muffinman:** i have a friend he wants to help the Angelica Cause too

**angle:** why am i a cause

**saint lauren(s)t:** G D KNOWS YA NEED ALL THIS HONEY

**angle:** i

**elizzle:** who is ur friend

**hercules muffinman:** HIS NAMES GEORGE LMFAO

**ham sandwich:** YOU ARE NOT DRAGGING MY BOSS INTO ANGELICA’S LOVE LIFE

**hercules muffinman:** NO he’s this prissy british guy he’s like distantly related to royalty??? anyways

**laffy duck:** george is cool

**angle:** women should not feel pressured to fit a certain appearance in order to attract and maintain a possible 'mate,’ and upholding such societal expectations only feeds the proverbial fire that backs the notion that women have to look a certain way in order to be worthy of respect, rights, and a happy lifestyle

**ham sandwich:** smash that mf rt if you think angel should start a blog

**elizzle:** RT

**hercules muffinman:** ok if u don’t want to that’s fine sorry

**angle:** no we’re doing Full Glam beat my face hunty!

**saint lauren(s)t:** im yellin

**ham sandwich:** I DONT UNDERSTAND MAKEUP SLANG

**elizzle:** angel powered through rupaul’s drag race in less than 4 days it was absolutely horrific

**marg:** but nothing will ever beat hamilton and i’s xfiles marathon WHILE PLAYING A DRINKING GAME

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ALEXANDER

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**laffy duck:** how many seasons in did u get

**marg:** FOUR

**elizzle:** PEGGY WHAT DID WE TELL YOU

**angle:** NO DRINKING UNLESS YOURE INDER OUR CARE IN OUR HOUSE

**marg:** WE ALL LIVE IN SEPARATE APARTMENTS

**angle:** O UR H OU S E

**saint lauren(s)t has added ham sandwich to the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t:** speaking of supervision and care

**ham sandwich:** what

**saint lauren(s)t:** SUPERVISION AND CARE

**ham sandwich:** are you suggesting I need it

**hercules muffinman:** yes

**saint lauren(s)t:** GWASH’S IMPROMPTU VACATION

**ham sandwich:** oh

**ham sandwich:** I’ve only gotten into 15 fights with everyone today that’s pretty good

**maria reynolds’ foil:** its eleven in the morning

**ham sandwich:** like i said

**hercules muffinman has added georgie porgie to the chat**

**georgie porgie:** Hello, peasants.

**saint lauren(s)t:** who

**maria reynolds’ foil:** punctuation???

**georgie porgie:** I am the one, the only, the /wonderful/– George Hanover, at your service. [throws confetti]

**elizzle:** oh my god

**ham sandwich:** herc what the fuck

**georgie porgie:** It has come to my attention that we have one /Angelica/ in /dire/ need of a makeover. Ask, and you shall receive, darling!

**angle:** i’m insulted and uncomfortable at the same time

**georgie porgie:** My studio awaits, honey. I’ll text you the address separately.

**marg:** LMFAO BYE ANGEL

**laffy duck:** DONT DIE!!!!

**angle:** i feel so safe thanks y'all

**angle has left the chat**

**georgie porgie has left the chat**

**hercules muffinman:** that’s george

**ham sandwich:** i might hate him

**saint lauren(s)t:** ALEXANDER NO

**maria reynolds’ foil:** is anyone surprised

**ham sandwich:** british royalty my ass

**marg:** john’s ass should be british royalty

**saint lauren(s)t:** u flatter me margarita

**elizzle:** :’)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally 10 years later i've updated. summer isnt going as i planned i get to bed at 3 am and wake up at noon THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME
> 
> but i digress; this chapter was a DOOZIE and i'm terribly sorry at how poorly i re-wrote the schuyler sisters i had thesaurus.com in my bookmarks for like a week LMFAO
> 
> also i'm totally projecting my cuban-ness onto dolley. my mood as of late has been basically 'pain the cuban flag on my naked body and call me abuela claudia, CUBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA' but whatever (i'm rereading that and just. bye)
> 
> i hope all y'all are doing well!!! july 4th is tomorrow so happy independence day if ur in the us of a, happy 'day tjeff and jadams died' day if not (because that's completely relevant). ur comments make me SOOSOSOSOOSO happy like i tbh cannot stress it enough aaaaaaaaaaa!!! ur all beautiful beautiful ppl i dont deserve
> 
> next chapter: a giant shitstorm. snakemen. multiples of 3.


	21. dongelica: an interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **marg:** where the hip hop, tick tock, zippidee doo, blip blop, romp blomp, heckity hell did angel go

**marg >> angle, maria reynolds’ foil, elizzle, ham sandwich, laffy duck, hercules muffinman, saint lauren(s)t**

**marg:** where the hip hop, tick tock, zippidee doo, blip blop, romp blomp, heckity hell did angel go

**angel:** I THINK IM IN WASHINGTON HEIGHTS??????????

**ham sandwich:** what the fuck

**laffy duck:** herc’s busting out the vodka

**maria reynolds’ foil:** herc aren’t you supposed to be with angel

**hercules muffinman:** nah i let george take over completely

**angle:** HWAT THE FUCK

**elizzle:** HERCULES MULLIGAN YOU LEFT MY SISTER ALONE WITH A STRANGE BRITISH MAN

**angle:** WE’VE BENE LISTENING TO CLASSICAL MUSIC THE WHOLE DRIVE I AM GOINGTTO DELETE

**maria reynolds’ foil:** ANGEL NO

**angle has left the chat**

**ham sandwich:** oo hmy gdo

**elizzle:** HERECUELSLSKJEKD

**hercules muffinman:** THSIS IS A DISASTER

**saint lauren(s)t:** AND WHO’S FAULT IS THAT HONESTLY

**hercules muffinman:** U ARENT ALLOWED TO DRAG ME JOHN

**marg:** HERCULES YOU ABANDONED MY SISTER WITH A MAN OF QUESTIONABLE STANDING AMONG MY PLETHORA OF MORAL PEOPLE THAT I HAVE PREVIOUSLY STATED ‘OK’ TO SPEND TIME WITH AS WELL AS THE FACT THAT SHE IS HALF WAY ACROSS MANHATTAN WITH SAID MAN DOING WHATEVER FALLS UNDER HIS DEFINITION OF 'MAKEOVER’ WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO DRAG YOU

**laffy duck:** oh my god

**marg:** FOR ALL WE KNOW HE IS PLANNING TO ROW HER ACROSS THE HUDSON AND THEY WILL HAVE A DUEL RESULTING IN HER DEATH AND HIS IMPENDING ONE

**ham sandwich:** admittedly that’s not the direction I thought that was gonna go

**maria reynolds’ foil:** it also sounds like something alex would do

**ham sandwich:** honestly,

**saint lauren(s)t:** ELIZA WONT STOP SCREECHING PLESDE HELP

**marg:** WHY ARE YOU WITH MY SISTER

**maria reynolds’ foil:** WE’RE AT LUNCH EVERYBODY STOP SCREAMING

**marg:** YOU WENT TO LUNCH TOGETHER AND LEFT ME, THE ONLY UNENGAGED SCHUYLER TO XEIR OWN DEVICES SANS PLANS FRIENDS OR LUNCHES OF ANY KIND????????

**ham sandwich:** did you just admit u have no friends

**marg:** SSHSU YTH EFUCK UP ALEXANDER HAMILTON I WILL SHOVE THIS FORK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT’LL COME OUT THE OTHER END AND YOU’LL BE KNOWN AS THE FUCKING UNFORTUNATE SNAKEMAN WHO CROSSED ME

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**maria reynolds’ foil:** E N O U GH H

**elizzle:** I CANT TAKE THIS ANY LONGER

**elizzle has added angle to the chat**

**elizzle:** MY DEAR SISTER WHERE ARE U

**angle:** it’s all good now we got starbucks and some cupcakes

**maria reynolds’ foil:** i’ve never seen eliza more relieved than she is now

**marg:** HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**hercules muffinman:** I TOLD Y'ALL

**laffy duck:** but mon amour you’re still crying

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**angle:** ok but really his ego is HUGE what does he even do

**laffy duck:** george is a professional stylist as well as makeup artist as well as photographer so

**angle:** Y ELSLS

**elizzle:** WHAT THE FUCK HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM

**laffy duck:** herc has contacts he’s dressed some of george’s clients

**saint lauren(s)t:** HOOK ME UPPP I LOVE

**laffy duck:** sending u his # :^)

**marg has added hercules muffinman and ham sandwich to the chat**

**marg:** i apologize for my outburst towards the both of you and i request that you forgive me

**ham sandwich:** forgiven

**hercules muffinman:** forgiven

**marg:** :)

**angle:** alex gave in surprisingly quickly

**ham sandwich:** i’m convinced peggy would actually shove a fork up my ass and im not risking it

**marg:** : )

**hercules muffinman:** now

**hercules muffinman:** so

**laffy duck:** yes

**maria reynolds’ foil:** what

**laffy duck:** yes

**elizzle:** ?????

**laffy duck:** yES

**marg:** NO

**laffy duck:** yeeeahahahaeahyeah

**maria reynolds’ foil:** no

**hercules muffinman:** yeehaw motherfuckers

**saint lauren(s)t:** herc please stop

**hercules muffinman:** i’ve done???? Nothing this household is so toxic

**ham sandwich:** i’m with herc

**marg:** BOY IF UOU DONT GET

**elizzle:** was all of that. in relation to sex

**marg:** how much must the sex suck if ur texting during it

**laffy duck:** i can multitask

**ham sandwich:** STOSOPPP

**angle:** so like we’re in george’s studio and he’s already offered me hors d'oeuvres and champagne

**elizzle:** ALEX I OWE U A BOTTLE OF COLD CHAMPAGNE

**ham sandwich:** YES YOU DO FUCK YOU

**maria reynolds’ foil:** IM KICKING ALEXANDER’S ASS???? RIGHT NOW????????

**elizzle:** I DO NO T

**ham sandwich:** MARIA WAS LITERALLY..,.,,,,,, MILLIMETERS FROM STABBING HER KNIFE TJOUGH MY HAND

**marg:** G O O D

**elizzle:** I CANT BELIEVE I OFFER U CHAMPAGNE AND YOU I N S U L T ME IN MY OWN HOME

**saint lauren(s)t:** we’re in the middle of time square

**elizzle:** MY FAMILY BASICALLY OWNED THIS CITY GENERATIONS AGO DID I STUTTER

**angle:** EVERYOEN CALM ODWN IM GOING TO SCREAM

**elizzle:** ok. alexander just for that ur not getting ur bottle of cold champagne

**ham sandwich:** FCUCK IM SORRY

**elizzle:** what is done is done

**marg:** my sister meant to add a ’, peasant’ suffix to that statement but retracted it at the last minute

**saint lauren(s)t:** we’re paying for this meal and leaving the restaurant as a civil family pls im desperate

**hercules muffinman:** what the fuck we’re gone for 5 minutes

**laffy duck:** hercules and i are the gorilla glue to this massive fucking, how u say, trainwreck

**ham sandwich:** maria and eliza just started making out

**saint lauren(s)t:** GREATGOOGLYMOOGLY.png

**angle:** ive lost the plot what are we even doing anymore

**marg:** #dongelica

**angle:** fuck

**marg:** this is more wild than john church

**angle:** STOP

**ham sandwich:** WHAT HAPPENED WITH JOHN CHURCH ITS BEEN 50 YEARS

**angle:** NO

**elizzle:** lord

**saint lauren(s)t:** PLSLSLS

**angle:** FUCKCING

**angle:** FINE

**angle:** in my sophomore year of college i. i identified as sapiosexual

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**ham sandwich has left the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t has left the chat**

**maria reynolds’ foil:** I AM SCREEECHING

**marg has added hercules muffinman, ham sandwich, and saint lauren(s)t to the chat**

**ham sandwich:** G O O D B Y E

**saint lauren(s)t:** ANGELICA SCHUYLER

**angle:** LET ME FINISH YO UPIECES OC SHIT

**angle:** I IDENTIFIED AS SAPIOSEXUAL AND JOHN CHURCH KNEW OF THIS FACT AND WE WERE TOGETER FOR A LITTLE WHILE

**marg:** I WALKED IN ON THEM ONCE

**angel:** MARGARTIFA SHUT GHE DUCCK JUP P

**marg:** ANGEL WAS HOPPED ON HIS DICK RECITING HER MULTIPLICATION TABLES

**angle has left the chat**

**laffy duck:** GHHKKDODJDJDHHSGSJDJDJDJDJDHXBBXJSBDJSJSHSJDBSJSKZHDKSBSKSDJSHSIDDH

**hercules muffinman:** THHER RARE TEARS

**maria reynolds’ foil:** IMM M FUCKCING NG SOBBING

**saint lauren(s)t:** ALEX IS ON THE FLFOR I CANT FUCJCING BELIEVE THSI

**elizzle:** this is why the schuylers can’t be in one place at one time

**marg has added angle to the chat**

**marg:** ITS OK ANGEL WE STILL LOVE U

**angle:** FUCK ALL OF YOU I

**angle:** I KNOW BETTER NWO JESUS CHRIST

**ham sandwich:** 3 6 9 12 15 18

**angle has removed ham sandwich from the chat**

**angle:** GOODBYE GOODBYE FUCK OFF I HATE EVERU SINGLE ONE FO YO USI MUCHCK IM GODODJDBDJDJDJSJSJSKLSJS

**angle has left the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t:** IS SHE GONNA BE OK

**elizzle:** we’ll talk 2 her in a bit shes still with george anyways

**marg:** :’) every time

**maria reynolds’ foil:** how can i go back to work with this new information

**elizzle:** new rule everybody deactivates for a few hours. no questions

**saint lauren(s)t:** as if i don’t want to do that every day :^)

**marg:** i

**hercules muffinman:** keep us updated w/ the date!!

**laffy duck:** let’s see if our friend gets some

**marg:** i love laf

**laffy duck:** and i love u mon amour

**elizzle:** I SAID DEACTIVATE

**hercules muffinman:** FINE BYE

**hercules muffinman has left the chat**

**laffy duck has left the chat**

**saint lauren(s)t has left the chat**

**marg has left the chat**

**maria reynolds’ foil has left the chat**

**elizzle has left the chat**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello y'all!! tbh this chapter was more of a filler than anything (& a tie-up for loose plotlines i realize i had, lmfao) & i also apologize for splitting the Dongelica Debacle into 4(atm) parts. i promise it's for good reason there are SO MANY BASES TO COVER
> 
> also; im still so sad abt lin leslie pippa ari & daveed's departures. & about renee's upcoming one. :(
> 
> next chapter's a doozie like the one prior to this one so just hold tight for that!!!! i hope ur all doing super well!!! i love all of ur comments so much!!!!!! have a good week!!!
> 
> next chapter: appointments (& a few walk-in's). more meme animals. reaching enlightenment via contouring.


	22. UPDATE not an actual chapter (yet) omg sorry

HI GUYS its been a suuuuuuuuuuuuuper hot minute but life got super hectic & i lost a lot of the inspo i had for this story :( i'd jumped off the hamilton bandwagon for a couple months because i discovered new things but that spark still flickers & i really hope to continue this story & possibly bring new life to it! that and i lost the 2.5 chapters i already had written when i got a new phone. FUN!!

but nonetheless, thank you all so SO much for the continued support even though i've been on a silent hiatus for months. i love all of your comments and they're the reason i have such an interest in reviving this story & continuing the iconic adventures of the hamsquad in ny. (speaking of which i was there a few weeks back and actually started crying in the richard rodgers' lobby. i wanna see this show so bad y'all please give me tickets)

if you want to find me on social media, my tumblr is @natalyalost & my twitter is @natashalostt!! 

again, thank you so much,

jasmine

**Author's Note:**

> omg hello!!!!! i'm jasmine how are you i hope you're well
> 
> i started writing this after a particularly eventful conversation with my friend (in which i replaced us w/ characters from hamilton) & lo & behold this was born
> 
> i hope the screennames are obvious enough; if any of u need help figuring out a character, feel free to ask!! also i thrive off comments i need validation for actual fanfiction about the founding fathers (rip)
> 
> my twit & tumblr are both @natalyalost so feel free to bug me whenever!!


End file.
